Life in Isolation

Hey, folks. How's everyone holding up? Have you been doing your part to Social Distance (although, I do prefer one governor calling it Physical Distancing because we can still be social in other ways)? Have you done your best to try to slow the spread this week?

It's in my normal Bitmoji style instead of my LycoRogue persona, but I have this as my current Facebook cover picture. Felt fitting to share it here too.

Individual images generated by Bitmoji
Banner edited together by LycoRogue

I truly hope you are all doing well. How are you de-stressing in this time of crisis?

Me? Well... it's still not writing. Sorry about that, everyone. Guess Camp NaNo hasn't really helped motivate me after all.

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I've been using this analogy all week, so I might as well use it here too. I'm like a puppy with too many toys spread out on the floor. There's just so much I want to do and play with, and I currently have seemingly unlimited time to enjoy myself. I get so overwhelmed with what I should attack first that I end up not doing.... anything... really.

I've been waiting for this opportunity for years. Time to watch all of those shows on my queue; I have about 60 items in my Watch List on Netflix, another 15 or so animes on Crunchyroll, and one or two shows on Amazon Prime, AND I would love to re-watch some movies/shows I haven't seen in a while. There's also the, like, A FULL MONTH'S WORTH of Critical Role on YouTube that Hubby and I can FINALLY start watching. I have time to clean my home! I can re-organize the pantry again, and sort though the dishes/utensils/containers/pots and pans/etc to figure out what should stay in the kitchen and what should be tossed/passed along to someone else. I can sift through the MOUND of "organize later" boxes I have on our closed-in back porch. I can finally attack the no-man's-land that is my spare room; formerly the library, now my Catch-All space when I need to "quick clean" so people can find a place to sit. I can reorganize Hubby's like 100-some tabletop/board/card games that is just this precarious tower on a sofa table in our living room. I can sift through mine and Hubby's clothes as I switch from cold-weather to warm-weather clothes. I can frame and hang wall art. I can organize my computer; empty out files I don't use all the time onto externals, check my backups and re-organize them, etc. I can update this blog! I haven't touched that Aspiring Writers tab in years. I could start transferring the old X-Future posts to the new forum that Hubby set up, or at least find a way to archive them and write SHORT recaps of what happened so everyone is on the same page. I can finally set up the HDMI splitter Hubby bought me last year so we can set up more consoles for the TV, allowing me to still play things on our WiiU or bring out his SNES or Gamecube. I can FINALLY do a craft I had on the back burner for 2 years even though I have all the items I need for it. I could get started on crocheting Christmas gifts, because I KNOW I'll forget to do so until about November or so and then not get any done by Christmas. I could read the book I've had since the fall and haven't picked up yet. Alternatively, I could read the hundreds of fanfics I have on my To Read list, and/or are pouring into the fandom daily. Heck, I could even use the time to finally get into the longer works of fiction that Taurus Pixie has but I haven't previously had the time to tackle yet. Of course, I could try to write my OWN fanfiction - be it finishing the Fluff Week stories, FINALLY finishing One and the Same, working on When Love Matters to help fill the void between seasons, or something completely different - or I could work on my original works - such as finishing world building for Gyateara or Glitches, or finishing Jolene's story Lost Loves and Paramores, or see if I can evolve Blame Fate for This into a more complete novel idea - or even just do more of my Meet My OCs write-ups for Tumblr. I also have TONS of video games I haven't played/completed yet, including a small handful of Legend of Zelda games despite it being my favorite game franchise. Yes, Breath of the Wild is on the list of LoZ games I haven't even started!!!! I could even just stalk Tumblr and Discord in order to fully immerse myself in the fandom, replying and reblogging all the time, and adding my own theories and other content. Really get my name SEEN within the fandom in order to better help build my base.

That's not even my full list, but you get the idea. I don't really get people who are already bored and stir-crazy. Like... I've got my retirement all set already. There is ALWAYS something more to do. Another task, another project, another activity, and more keep getting released as well.

Instead, I'm that poor puppy with an entire basket of toys out and I just nibble on each of them without ever fully taking the time to play and enjoy one. Can someone get situational ADHD?

I have only done the most basic of cleaning to keep us healthy, and I did organize ONE cupboard...

Hubby and I have gone through THREE of the shows on the list: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, the latest season of HunterxHunter on Netflix, and the 2nd season of Altered Carbon. Later today I'm going to track down the premiere of season 2 of Fruits Basket on Crunchyroll. I'm also keeping up-to-date with the gaming livestreams and listicles by OutsideXbox and Outside Xtra, and animated video uploads by Overly Sarcastic Productions, all on YouTube.

I haven't read a single thing since I stopped working. Same with crafts. I just don't have the motivation/energy to get started.

I've barely touched social media outside of Facebook, and that's largely to just keep track of what's going on with my relatives and IRL friends. It's not even because of a flood of depressing COVID-19 news on those sites. It's because nearly everyone is home and EVERYONE is on Tumblr and Discord now, and if I'm not just planted in my seat, I cannot keep up. And if I try to catch up on what I've missed, I end up sitting there for HOURS. Meanwhile, that little ticker of new posts climbs up to double-digits that tend to hover around the 30s or so. I just can't. So if you've posted something the past month that you think I'd enjoy, please go back and tag me so I can see it. I'm literally just jumping on Tumblr long enough to see if I'm tagged in anything and if my posts are reblogged, then off again I run. Same with the Discord server I was invited to. I have alerts set up for the introductions thread for new members, and if I'm ever tagged in a comment.

Even the video games thing. I started off with trying to go further in Super Mario Odyssey, but since Hubby bought me my own Switch my video gaming life has more-or-less circled around Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Even so, I'm not on THAT nearly as much as I thought/feared. There's even been a day or two where I noticed it was past 10pm and I went "Whoops. I didn't do nearly everything I meant to today. Guess most of these tasks aren't getting finished...."

There was a Steam sale this past weekend for one of the games OutsideXbox showcased on a gaming stream, so I ended up picking up House Flipper. It's a chill and relaxing game. It's so weird, having a list of tasks/chores is fun for me in games like Animal Crossing and House Flipper, but having one in real life is daunting and boring.... Maybe it's because I can't just wave a magical mop at the hard water stains in my tub and they'll disappear in 3 seconds... Or maybe because I don't get paid for weeding or redecorating my own place. If only Game Logic worked in the real world.

That being said, I think the games I'm playing mean I'm craving structure again. I've had my fun. This is Day 17 of not having to work. Originally, I was supposed to be going back to work either this week or next one. Now, who the heck knows when it will be safe to go back, but I'm quickly burning through oil with the silly mindset that I AM retired and have truly unlimited time to do everything I want.

So my task this week is to set up a firm time structure to create some semblance of normalcy again. Also, that way I know I have time for everything I want to accomplish, at least, in part. I'll know I have time to clean, separate time to organize and rearrange, time to play video games, time to play AC:NH specifically - usually with the Hubby - time to check on social media, time to watch shows/movies, time to watch YT videos, time to read, etc. And, most importantly, time to focus on writing again.

Watch, once I get into this new rhythm will be when work re-opens and it all falls apart again... But at least I'd have tried....

Speaking of trying to set up some normalcy again, I want to give a shout out to three people who all had birthdays on the 5th:

First of all, here's to an...er... eventful?... big 5-0 to my one aunt.

Free-Use image found via Google

Thankfully, she and the whole family are well and safe. What a way to "celebrate" though, huh? At least she was able to get her surprise party at the end of February, before everything hit hard. Plus, her kids are still all living at home, so she had family to celebrate with her on Sunday as well.

Another Happy Birthday to one of my IRL friends CelestialTyrant, whom I got to reconnect with a bit more last night as he showed off his and his wife's joint island on AC:NH

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He and his wife also seem to be in good health and equally good spirits. I hope we can chat a bit more, especially with us being able to play Animal Crossing together. I'm telling you guys, this game is a godsend for extroverts. I think I've socialized MORE, and with more people ever, since I got this game. I'm hanging out with people nearly daily!

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Last, but certainly not least, a happy 7th birthday to my niece!

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She had a mermaid-themed birthday with her parents and brother, but Bitmoji doesn't have any mermaid images, so we'll go with the equally magical unicorn. Just like everyone else, my sister-in-law and her clan are all in good health, and the kids certainly are still in high spirits even though they haven't left their secluded property in the mountains since mid-March. That's right, they aren't even brought off-property to go to the grocery store or visit their cousins one house - and about an acre - over. That's because my in-laws know how to Social Distance. So round of applause to them!

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I'm glad that, even with circumstances being what they are, and my social butterfly of a niece being denied a party outside of immediate family, she still seemed to enjoy herself and love the love she was showered with all day regardless. Also, while not quite the Zoom Invader we've been warned about for Zumba, my nephew did "infiltrate" our session by poking his head in while his mom was exercising. So it was fun to see him also in a good mood, chocolate-covered face and all.

I hope all of you are equally in good spirits, and if not, I hope this blog helped you out a bit more. If you're like me, know it's okay to be a lump at home during this crisis.

• If you're a Creative, it's okay to not be creative right now. You don't owe anyone any new stories, or artwork, or crafted projects, or videos, or music, or any other form of creativity right now simply because you have "free time" to do them.
• If your house is disorganized, but it's clean in a hygienic sense, that's fine. Who's coming over to see it now anyway? If it's more stress to organize it than to sit among it, then just take a time-out. You don't have to organize simply because you "have time" now. However, if the chaos is stressing you out more, please try to find time to organize to the point where you're less stressed.
• If social media is overwhelming you for any reason, you don't have to stay on it. Find other ways of letting people know you're still alright, and let everything else wash away. There was content you missed before you joined, and you were alright with that, right? Once you feel comfortable to re-join social media just pretend it is your first day on the site and forget about all the content you missed. And, just like with the Creatives, you do not owe anyone more content on your end. If you don't feel like adding content your followers will find it elsewhere. If you lose people because of that decision, then it's their loss.
• If you don't feel like watching anything, or you want to watch something that isn't already on your list, that's fine. Maybe you need a change of pace now that the world is different. You don't HAVE to attack that To Watch list now that you have the time to do so. Your current attitude is different, so why shouldn't your entertainment tastes not also change?
• Same goes for reading. If you can't concentrate long enough to absorb the written word (first of all, sorry about these posts then), and/or the stuff on your To Read list isn't the style/theme/mood you want to consume right now that's fine. I love Pixie, but one of her longer stories that I still need to read is a realistic depiction of depression, and I also think PTSD???? NOT something I really want to touch right now when all I want is to lighten the emotional weight on my shoulders.
• If everyone else is telling you that you HAVE to join the AC:NH wave and/or play Doom Eternal or jump on the Final Fantasy VII Remake train, but you don't feel like playing any of those games, or even games in general, that's fine too. 

The take away here should be that, during this time of crisis, social distancing, and quarantines, you are not obligated to do anything you don't wish to do, as long as it isn't effecting others. So, as long as you aren't potentially contaminating others - remember, COVID-19 can be transmitted asymptomaticly - and you're not hoarding products that others also need, and you're not spreading misinformation about the disease, then you're good. You are not obligated to do anything else.

Except maybe changing your underwear... Make sure you're still doing that.


Take care, Friends. To try to leave you in a better mood, I'll send you off with yet another serene sky-gazing shot from my game of Animal Crossing. Man, I love taking these pictures....

Star gazing from my bamboo forest on Ghetta Way

Awesome Weekend of Awesomeness

Okay, this weekend has been awesome!

To start, in honor of "Miraculous Ladybug" season 2 coming out in the US, I did indeed post the first chapter of "Peeping Tomcat"! You can find it at one of these three locations:

On FanFiction      On Archive Of Our Own       On DeviantArt

The story hasn't even been up for a week yet, and the stats have already been pretty cool. It may be far from a massively popular story, but it certainly is one of MY most popular stories, and at the fastest rate as well. It pays to write for an actively popular fandom.

Anyway, as of this posting, the stats for the story are:

FFN: 457 views, 28 faves, 52 followers, and 7 reviews
AO3: 420 views, 33 kudos, 7 bookmarks (followers), and 2 reviews
DA: 13 views, 1 fave, but no comments

Total Results: 890 views, 62 faves, 59 followers, and 9 reviews

The comments have all said the same variation of these top three sentiments:
  1. This is really good.
  2. How will this develop? / I can't wait to find out more.
  3. You have the characterization spot on / Adrien's insight is awesome

So, yay!

Hacker Girl Facebook sticker
by Birdman, Inc.

Two of the Fanfiction.net reviews were by guests, so who knows how many more people are "following" the story without doing so officially through the websites? As for DeviantArt? Well, not many still go to DA for fanfiction, and if they do read stories there, they rarely go for 6800+ behemoths. So, while it's a bummer, I get it, and I'm still excited that ANYONE was willing to read through it, let alone favorite it.

Hacker Girl Facebook sticker
by Birdman, Inc.

Another really cool thing? The twelfth episode of the second season, "Captain Hardrock", premiered world-wide on Friday, along with the American premiere of the first half of the season via Netflix. So I got to watch the latest episode "properly" through Netflix, instead of waiting for someone to post it on YouTube.

Now, for whatever reason, season 2 has been focusing on Adrien's daily piano practices. Out of the twelve episodes, we see Adrien at home in four, and in all four episodes, either Gabriel or Nathalie reminds and/or orders Adrien to go practice his piano. On top of that, in the twelfth episode, Adrien is performing in front of his father to show his progress. That's when we get this interaction:

Gabriel: I suggest you rehearse your piece some more. You'll play it for me again later today.
Adrien: But, Father, you promised I could attend my friends' concert.
Gabriel: Not after THAT performance you've just given. Which was probably due to THEIR influence. You need to refocus, Adrien.

I just fangirl squealed so much while watching that scene, because it just made my story even MORE perfectly in character. One of the initiating conflicts for "Peeping Tomcat" is Gabriel grounding Adrien. Gabriel notes that Adrien's latest photo shoot seems sub-par, and his piano skills aren't as advanced as they should be if he were practicing properly. Gabriel blames these "shortcomings" on Adrien's focus on his friends, and grounds his son until Adrien learns to properly prioritize for his future.

Kinda close, huh? I just added more sticks to the fire for mine. Not too shabby, considering I wrote the scene months ago! So cool! I guess I was on the same wave-length as the show's creators.


Oh, and speaking of the most recent episode, I love the character of Luka! He was teased a year or two ago, but finally showed up in the "Captain Hardrock" episode.

Even though the creator of the show Thomas Astruc stated that we'd see more of the character Lila, and that the new character Kagami would be a potential second love interest for Adrien, we've only seen those two characters in one episode each. So it's probably unlikely for us to see more of Luka, but I hope we do. I mean, according to one of the colorists for the show Feri González, people "are going to fall in love with [Luka]." And she's right. He's adorable. Also, just for funsies, here's the concept art Feri did of Luka:

Check her out at:
twitter.com/daferisae
instagram.com/ferisae

Now, while I definitely didn't see Kagami as a love interest for Adrien - she seemed more of a fencing rival and friend - Luka definitely has potential.

I'll always want Adrien and Marinette together, but if it's going to take seasons to get there, I wouldn't mind more Marinette and Luka in the meantime. I mean, at the end of the episode it's hinted that Marinette might have a bit of a side-crush on Luka. Right when she might have been finally growing a side-crush for Cat Noir too... dang....

But that might also mean that Luka will pop up more if there is going to be more romantic conflict for Mari. Hmmm. Maybe I'll indulge with some Lukanette fanfiction in the future....

Lukanette? Maybe Earring Babies? I don't know what the coupling will be called, but a lot of people have been calling Adrien/Kagami the "Ring Couple" because they wear similar rings on their right hands, and Luka has gauges that resemble Marinette's earrings. So....

Okay, yeah, back on topic.

To quick recap: I posted "Peeping Tomcat" finally, got a good response for it, and have been itching to post the second chapter. Which is appropriate, considering the second chapter is called "itch" and talks about the same call for instant gratification. I also commented on how cool the latest episode is, and how I fangirled about the "accuracy" of my story thanks to a scene in the latest episode.

But "Peeping Tomcat" isn't the only story I posted this week. I had that Willow story going on as well, the one I was going to post either way last week to make sure I had one new posting each month.

"Don't Mess (an X-Future Snippet)"

On DeviantArt      On FanFiction      On FictionPress

Now, this little snippet hasn't been getting much love, but I get it again. It's not quite fanfiction. It's also not quite original. It lands in that awkward chasm of All-OC fanfiction. Not the most wanted genre, especially when the snippets are too short to include any canon characters that might pull people in.

Either way, I'm proud I wrote it and posted it. I like the subtle way I showcased both Penumbra's and Willow's powers. I didn't state exactly what was going on, or that they were using their powers. I hope it is as easy to comprehend not knowing the characters as it is for me, who does know. Well, as always, feel free to constructively criticize any of my works.

Since I briefly talked about Willow, how about we talk about another character with white and blue hair:

Parzival addressing the whole of OASIS in "Ready Player One"

I didn't know about this book until two summers ago, when a co-worker found it at a garage sale, and bought it for my birthday because she figured I'd like a book about gamers. I loved the book pretty instantly, and shortly after found out it was being made into a movie. About a year ago I started FINALLY seeing trailers for it, and I was ecstatic! Since the release date was announced some time in... the fall, I think?... Ronoxym and I have had a standing date that we WOULD go to see it together, since he was just as much of a fan of the book.

Well, along with the awesomeness of the second season of "Miraculous" finally coming to Netflix, and finally posting my story, this weekend kicked butt because Ron and I finally had a chance to go see "Ready Player One." Hubby and Cyhyr came with, after dealing with stupidly excited spouses for over a year. It was a lovely double date. The movie was awesome, but, even though the author Ernest Cline wrote the screenplay, the co-authorship of Zak Penn, and probably the influence of the studio, really changed a lot of the plot. The movie had the same basic FEEL of the book, and the generic over-arcing plot and subplot are still there, and the movie was still an incredibly enjoyable action-packed romp. But it took surprisingly more liberties than I would have expected, given the author penned the screenplay as well.

Then again, Orson Scott Card helped write the screenplay for "Ender's Game" and that turned into a bit of a disaster. I guess even when the author is involved, you can only do SO much to adapt a book to screen, which makes movies like "Harry Potter" and the BBC mini-series version of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" all the more rare gems. On the plus side, I also think it means it is a LOT harder for the author to be upset about the theatrical direction the story went. They probably sucked it up and went "yeah, the main theme/feel of my story is still there. I'll let you change it" as opposed to authors who simply sell the rights and then don't have any voice on how their little darlings are altered.

Well, regardless, I still highly suggest giving "Ready Player One" a watch, and I'm definitely getting it once it comes out on DVD.

Another bit of awesomeness aside from the TV show update, my story getting love, seeing a movie I have been waiting to watch for years, and an awesome night out with Ron and Cy? While bringing up "Miraculous Ladybug" on Netflix, I noticed that "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events" has ITS second season up as well. Both "Unfortunate Events" AND "Miraculous" updated with their second seasons on the same day!? Yes, please!

I've already gone through both shows' second seasons over the course of the weekend....

I was at that awkward age when the books came out where I was much older than the target demographic, but I was also still young enough to care what others thought of me reading a children's book series. I enjoyed the movie, though, and absolutely LOVE the series, as evidenced by the binge watching. So, I'll have to track down the series and add it to my "must read" list.

At this point, my "must read" list is very much like my Netflix and anime "must watch" lists. For every one I take off the list, I add about five more.


I need to start picking up the pace to try to get through books faster at least.

It's a good thing that I'm starting to do that already. It kept me until yesterday, so two days more than two books in one month, but I finished off Ali Luke's Lycopolis trilogy.

My apologies to Ali Luke. I had her third book "Dominion"
mistitled on my challenge sheet, and I didn't even notice
until she pointed it out last month. I will go back and
correct my earlier posts this year.

As for my thoughts on "Dominion"? Well.... honestly, I didn't really connect with it. Objectively, when I reflect back on the story, a LOT went on, and each individual scene was intense. However, as I reflect back on my feelings of the story, it seemed slow, and I was disconnected. I did struggle a lot with it being an e-book that I had to read off my laptop; not the best way to read something via the Kindle app.

So I'm going to hold my official judgement until I get my hands on a paperback copy. I'll see if a re-read using my preferred medium changes my views. I will say, though, that "Oblivion" is definitely my favorite out of the three thus far.

I also still want to write screenplay adaptations of the books. See first hand why changes and liberties need to be made. See if maybe I could keep a script closer to the source material than even Ernest Cline or Orson Scott Card could. Then again, I won't have any Hollywood influence or pressure, so perhaps those two gentlemen originally had the screenplays VERY close to the source material.

The real trick is going to be the screenplay for "Dominion". Mostly because a lot of the story deals with an abstract supernatural surrealism that plays well via prose, but it is hard to really create imagery for it. Probably one of the reasons why I felt disconnected from this third installment. I have a very hard time comprehending and connecting with something I can't mentally picture.

On the plus side, though, in my attempt to understand the abstract concepts Ali presents, I've sort of pictured how it could be portrayed on screen. The next challenge will be to write out my thoughts on how it is shown visually without going overboard. It is not the screenwriter's job to fully dictate to the actors and/or director how things should look. I need that happy balance between giving the director a concept, a direction, to work with, while still leaving individual interpretation possibilities. Let the director use their own imagination to potentially come up with a better visual even I could think of. They are the professional and know better than I what could work, and what possibilities are available.

Perhaps a series of projects for next year, after I've completed the WIPs I already have going. It will give the trilogy time to settle in my head. See what parts really stick with me when I do my re-reads.

I'm now free to move on to my re-read of "Ready Player One" to truly remind myself how the story went, and see how much was actually changed, versus what I THINK changed, based on my failing memory. I like the idea of the re-read happening so shortly after watching the movie, too, before the movie version fades from my mind.

One more bit of awesomeness to finish off my weekend.

This past Sunday was Easter, and so I got to spend some time with my in-laws, as well as my sister-in-law's in-laws. Normally, since I see that side so infrequently, I don't really connect with them. I was more involved in conversations this go, which was nice, but the big thing is the time spent with my niece and nephew. Particularly my nephew, who actually clung to me for a little bit. Loved it!

Hacker Girl Facebook sticker
by Birdman, Inc.

Even better? My niece's birthday is this week. Hubby and I are going to have to miss her official party, but the plus side is some one-on-one time once we figure out a good time to visit to celebrate the big day.

Another one we'll have to visit is celestialTyrant, who is hitting the big 3-0 this week! Such an amazing week!

It's been a good weekend, and it's already shaping up into a good week. I just need to fight the urge to post the second chapter of "Peeping Tomcat" early....

My Giving Thanks "Tree"

So, today is Thanksgiving in the United States. Which means it's the last Thursday of November.

Yup. Last THURSDAY.

That means I missed yesterday's update and I once again didn't even notice it was Wednesday.

Honestly, if it weren't for the numerous "Happy Thanksgiving" posts in my Facebook feed or the "Happy Thanksgiving" texts that I've been getting, I wouldn't have even remembered today was a holiday.

Downside to working retail and having to work on Thanksgiving; as least a part of it.

Hubby is at work now and I'm running around the house to try to do some last-minute cleaning before heading to visit my mom and sister for the weekend. First Thanksgiving in three years that I've had off, but it still doesn't feel like a holiday. When we go to the feast with my mom's siblings on Saturday; THAT will feel like Thanksgiving to me.

Right now all I feel is tired. Thanksgiving is obviously a huge holiday for grocery stores and we've been crazy all week. I felt so bad for customers at the beginning of the week because I honestly lost track of what day it was and forgot that new week means new sales. When I was suggesting things that were on sale LAST week I had the biggest "you're an idiot" looks.

Sorry, customers, I'm burned out.

Although most of the time off will be spent traveling, I'm hoping that taking a vacation this week will help recharge me.

Lord, I have no clue what state I would be in if I had tried to stick with NaNo.

On the plus side, I was able to let my mind wander. After this month I've been able to figure out more of what I'd like to do with Lottie. I've also learned more about being patient and really plotting out everything. Really giving a story time to build and grow. I was always pretty good at having a generic road map, but I also allowed my characters to just run off with the story.

While I'll most likely stick with that strategy when it comes to my writing, it's insanely hard to do when I don't already know the characters. It was easier when I was just writing fanfiction. I knew the characters inside and out and just needed an inspirational spark to get going. I feel like I've really matured the last year as I learned to build Gyateara and the X-Future reboot, and now Lottie and the other vampires of the Cobleskill World of Darkness.

Yes, I don't have much writing to show for November. I have one chapter before giving up NaNo, and I barely touched the X-Future board. However, I was able to recharge my writing brain so I'm once again excited to work on these stories.

Plus, I used the month to crochet instead and I'm actually about 70% done with my niece's Christmas gift already! I might actually have one done BEFORE the gift-date! Whoot! I also have a few presents gathered up/completed for my November-baby friends. So I have a few pitstops while visiting my mom. Speaking of which, I've got a moderate chunk of my mom's gift out of the way too. And my sister's set. December may not be as stressful-gift-giving-wise as it was in years past.

I'm most likely going to still be crocheting like mad and barely writing next month, but I'll at least be relaxed enough to keep my mind wandering so I can jumpstart 2015 with massive writing ready to go down on paper. That's something, right?

Now to finish up with a tradition my mother started with us. Here is my list of things I'm grateful for; one for every day of November leading up to Thanksgiving.

1. My husband. He is my rock, my best friend, my grounding, my mind when I've lost it, my snuggle buddy, my big kid/Mommy-trainer, my smile and happiness, and my human space heater in the chilled months. I love you, baby!
2. While we are still struggling, we are able to survive on the paychecks Hubby and I bring home. We can pay our bills, we are never hungry, we can keep a roof over our heads, we can stay warm, and we can still scrounge up enough money to entertain and destress ourselves on occasion.
3. While on the subject, I'm thankful that there is still a one-screen movie theater in town. It's tiny. It's quaint. It's cheap; only $5 per ticket. It has big movies relatively soon to release dates. It's because of this theater that Hubby and I could watch the movies we were really looking forward to on just the change we've gathered over the month.
4. My unofficial roomie Quarthix. It's been fun - distracting; hence the messy house, but still fun - having him come over nearly daily. A lot of the people we socialize with up here still feel a lot like Hubby's friends who grew to became mine as well. We all have a good time when together, but it still seems like it's awkward for them to be alone with me, and so they almost never come over except if Hubby's around. Quarthix - while mostly only visits Hubby - has no problem hanging out with just me, and it's been fantastic to finally find someone other than celestialTyrant that is truly a friend of BOTH mine and Hubby's.
5. While talking about Quarthix I have to talk about his fiance too. It's great for Hubby and I to have a "couple friend" and we found them in these two. They love hanging out as a foursome, and her family has even invited us over to family events on at least three occasions the past year. We have fun just hanging out at each others' apartments and having game nights.
6. Yeah, we're including this separately. I LOVE game nights. We just play four-player video games, or board games, or card games, etc. Quarthix's fiance even offered for us to do some sort of Dungeon Master study sessions so that we can team up and start our own D&D game instead of waiting for other people.
7. Spink and her fiance need to be on this list too. While we don't really hang out with them as much as Quarthix and his fiance, this is another great couple that I enjoy hanging with. Yes, Spink still feels like "my" friend and her fiance "Hubby's" friend, but the four of us have a good time; if the duo can find free time in their tight schedules. Spink also works with me, and it's nice to have an ally at work; I have so few. She's also my exercise buddy and she pushes me to Zumba with her. We also Zelda together, so win all around!
8. Keeping with my thankfulness of friends, I'm increasingly thankful for ChibiSunnie. She has become an ever-increasing presence in my life, and she always has the best timing. She seems to know exactly the right thing to say and the exact right time to tell me them. She manages to pick me up when I'm the most down, and cheer me on when I need the most push. She's one of my biggest fans and loudest cheerleaders.
9. I'm also grateful that after 20-some years my bestie from elementary school is still in my life. I'm glad I get to visit her this weekend, as well as spend time with her son who just so happens to be my godson. We may not be as close as we once were, but the fact that our friendship endures and we can still stay up until 2am catching up is fantastic.
10. Speaking of being close, I'm thankful that my sister and I are really clicking. It kept about 25years, but we're finally the sisters I wanted us to be. We miss each other dearly when away. We talk a lot more frequently. We joke with each other. We have fun as we hang out. We enjoy the time we have together. We support each other. She has really matured and stepped up, and I love that we're finally friends. Now, don't get me wrong, we've always been close - at least, I always tried to be close - but we would butt heads more often than not. For my Hey Arnold friends, I'd be Olga to her Helga.
11. I've always had a passing enjoyment for American football. It was mostly watching New York Giants games whenever I could catch them, really pay attention during the playoffs, and regardless of how well the Giants did over the season I'd watch the Super Bowl. If nothing else but to watch the commercials. This year I grew a huge appreciation for the sport. In part it was because Hubby has been teaching me more and more about it. In part because I unofficially started hosting football parties for Quarthix, his fiance, and any other friends of ours that wished to visit. It was also in part because I was talking to my sister more during the games and bonding over them. It really helped me connect with Quarthix and my sister. So, THANK YOU, FOOTBALL!
12. Even though it seemed that EVERYTHING went on my car at the same time, it is up and running within budget and set for my drive down to visit family for Thanksgiving. There's still a few things that need fixing, but it's in good enough condition to legally be on the road, and so I shouldn't have to worry about breaking down or traffic tickets.
13. It was incredibly cold this month. Winter decided to come early up here. However, the weekend that I didn't have my car because it was in the shop the weather was unseasonably warm. The second-to-last weekend in November and I was walking home from work in 70-degree weather. The few times it was close to freezing it wasn't windy, and so it didn't seem so cold while in my winter coat. So, with all the walking I did this weekend I wasn't cold once. I'm SUPER grateful for that since I don't do well in cold.
14. This one is going to seem super silly, but I'm grateful for this one street in my town. It's mildly out of the way when it comes to driving due to having to stop and turn instead of going straight. However, it does cut off a few minutes if you take this street while walking between my home and work. So I was able to really experience this road for the first time this weekend. I love it because it's pretty much the only place in the whole town that is a solid row of Cape Cod style kit homes. Between the style of home, the size of the property, and the types of trees in the front yard, it was like walking through my hometown. It was a nice strip of my old home nestled in my new. I even half-expected to see my hometown's public park as I turned the corner. It was a nice reminder of where I came from, and it was comforting.
15. Space heaters, and the family members that buy me them. As I mentioned two up, I don't do well in cold. So having the space heaters available to keep me warm without kicking on the heat is fantastic! It's cheaper if we don't need to warm the whole place, and it's a way for me to stay toasty without roasting Hubby. He used to be a Polar Bear Swimmer, and so he more-or-less thrives in about 50-60 degree temperatures. Meanwhile, I'm frozen in anything less than 70 degrees.
16. YouTube and free GooglePlay downloads. I get such a wide variety of music for free that I can custom-make my own radio playlist. I have something for every mood I'm in and it helps me through the day. Should I expand this to me being thankful for music in general?
17. Netflix and friends willing to lend out season DVDs. Hubby and I can't afford too many TV channels, and so we miss a lot of awesome shows. As long as we don't mind being a season or two - or ten - behind, we can use Netflix - and a few friends - to watch these awesome stories and competitions. We're currently addicted to Food Network's Cutthroat Kitchen, and a buddy lent us the first season of Game of Thrones. While it's not as gorey as I thought - it's still super bloody - it has a LOT more nudity than I was expecting....
18. Emoticons/Emojis/Facebook Stickers. Whatever you call them, they are fantastic! It's sad, but a large majority of my recreational human interaction is online. Being a writer I can still express myself fairly well, but the addition of emoticons really helps me get the full feeling across. Now I know the person I'm talking to gets exactly how I feel or what I mean. They can see the non-verbal that is so crucial to communication. Just ask Phfylburt. We're constantly joking that I'm reverting back in to speaking in hieroglyphics and that I can basically hold an entire conversation consisting of only Facebook stickers.
19. Here's a really weird one, but I'm thankful that my niece seems to finally be warming up to me. She's still young - not yet two - and so she's in that stage in which she's weary of those she doesn't see all that often. Although I have seen her at least once a month all year, that's still pathetically little in the eyes of a toddler. I get that she knows she recognizes me, but is still unsure as to how we're connected. She's clingy to her mother or my mother-in-law whenever we're together, but yesterday I was able to get her to laugh, smile, and I was actually able to capture a smile or two on camera!
20.  Facebook games. They are addicting. Facebook as a whole is an addition I keep getting suckered back in to. However, it's free entertainment - well, aside from the monthly internet bill - and it helps Hubby and I unwind without spending our limited funds.
21. To try to promote all employees really taking the new "service message of the day" to heart, our store co-manager went around and asked us about the message of the day. Anyone who he felt answered appropriately received RedBox free movie rental coupons. Hubby and I had two to share, and so we got to finally watch a couple movies that were sitting on our "to watch" list for a while. Wow, we got a lot of free/discounted stuff this month/year...
22. Digestive Advantage's Lactose Defense Formula by Schiff. I never realized how much I LOVED dairy until I became lactose intolerant. I was in so much pain, or I was depressed that I couldn't eat my favorite foods, or I was debating between the other two options or spending the massive amount of money of tearing through a full box of Lactaid just about every week. Then I tried Lactose Defense. What a godsend. Just one pill a day - so only about $9 a month - and I can have as much dairy as I want for the full day. A cheap solution that allows me to eat what I love without being doubled in pain later.
23. Crocheting; more specifically, that my one friend in college taught me how to crochet and read patterns. My stuff still comes out looking silly and far from professional/sellable. However, yarn is cheap and people seem to enjoy the crafts I make them. It's a way for me to still show someone how much I care without breaking the bank. Hmmm, maybe I should extend this to "I'm thankful people at least pretend they appreciate the gifts I make them..."
24. While I'm still thankful for the actual NaNo program, I'm grateful that Hubby convinced me to give up this year. Writing is once again fun and an escape as opposed to a stressful chore.
25. The growth I've made with my writing over the year. From day to day it didn't seem like much, similar to watching a child grow, I'd wager. However, when I think back to everything I've learned since January, I really have changed to a more mature thought process and perspective. I've struggled, but grew with each struggle. I now have a better idea of what I want to do during the upcoming year.
26. I can't finish this list without including you guys, my readers. I have no clue why you stick by me when I barely put out anything besides excuses and I routinely miss my weekly update time. Yet not only did you stay, but you've grown in number. It humbles me that you all enjoy what I'm doing that much. I'm amazed with every positive bit of feedback and plea for me to keep going with my stories. You are the forgotten heroes of my life. If I didn't have an audience I don't know if I'd be as determined to keep up with this blog, or writing in general. It would just be something else to add to the fail-pile and the "What if" list. Thank you so much for keeping me on a path I've wanted for two decades.
27. Finally, I'm grateful that I had today and yesterday off. I had so many last-minute things I needed to do to get ready for my Thanksgiving Weekend trip. I barely had any time to relax yesterday; I can only imagine how behind or crazed I'd be if I had to work. Plus, I can have things set for when Hubby gets home instead of either us completely ignoring the holiday or him being forced to cook after his shift.

Mom, if you're reading this, know that even though you didn't make the list I am eternally grateful for everything you've done for and given me. There's just too much to ever fit on here...

With that I shall bid you all a happy and safe holiday. If you happen to not be American, then I'll just wish you a fantastic last weekend in November. Enjoy this last bit of calm before the craziness of the holiday season kicks in to full-swing.

I Think I have Mental Arthritis

A little while back I mentioned that writing is very much like exercise. The long and the short of the comparison was this: it takes effort to motivate yourself to do either activity, but once you start you feel better and easily continue for some time; feeling satisfied with your progress after you're done. I have also pointed out over the course of this blog that a lot of writing motivational tricks also work exceptionally well when used for exercising.

Well, this Writing Is Exercise metaphor continues today.

There was an arthritis medication commercial that aired for a year or so. The basic premise of the commercial was to use Newton's First Law of Motion as a selling point: An object at rest will stay at rest; one in motion will stay in motion. The commercial continued on by commenting on the Catch 22 of arthritis: you won't move because the arthritis hurts you to move, but moving is actually the only way to ease the pain of arthritis. So, this drug is supposed to help ease the pain of arthritis enough that you can move to prevent further arthritic damage and pain.

In other words, people with arthritis need to purposely keep moving the joint that is affected by arthritis. They need to exercise to keep from getting worse. They need to exercise to help ease the pain – after toughing through the initial pain of starting the exercise – and to prevent further damage. If they give up and not move because it's hard or it hurts they'll just get worse.

Also, as an emotional side effect, they'll get grumpier and sadder. They'll be angry with their body and the pain. They'll be saddened by the fact that they can no longer do what they love or join in on the social fun, or even keep their house clean by themselves. They'll be stuck; arthritically forced to stay still.

On the flipside, if they can power through the initial pain they can stop themselves from getting any worse. They can still enjoy an autonomous life. They don't have to be angry at their joints for forcing them to stay still. They can defy their body and tell it that they're not quitting yet!

How does all of this relate to writing though?

Well, at least for me, my brain is the arthritic joint.

It's so hard to get it moving. So hard for me to focus and think creatively. I get so frustrated with the stories not flowing as easily as they did in my youth; just like a joint acting up. It's a struggle to get going.

Most days I submit to this mental equivalent of arthritis and just sit here. I don't even do the most minor of exercises to keep it from locking up. I just click away on Facebook or absentmindedly watch TV.

That's when I get cranky. REALLY cranky. Heck, even celestialTyrant has noticed. It's part “the world's dragging me down, man” but it's also part frustration for caving in to my Mental Arthritis. Annoyed that I haven't tried harder to push through that initial strain so that I could do some writing.

I'm not entirely sure when – and I'm not about to scan through over a hundred posts to try to find something I may have only had as a Facebook status – but I once posed a Chicken or Egg quandary about writing. Do I not write because I'm frustrated, stressed, or depressed? Or am I frustrated, stressed, or depressed because I'm not writing?

Now I'd like to state that it's all about Mental Arthritis.

Life is hard. It's not nearly as hard as it can be, but it's not all that easy either. All that stress and strain of the everyday grind is like arthritis pain flaring up. I can just succumb to it all, sit in my chair, and refuse to move. I can let it all build up. I can not write – not move the arthritic joint – and let the pain compound. I can blame the pain for not doing what I need to; want to. I can let myself get frustrated at the Mental Arthritis for being there, as well as myself for not doing anything about it. It can become a horrible downward spiral. I can give in to despair and – much like someone with a bum knee who decided she can no longer be a runner – hate that I missed my opportunity to become a professional writer. I can sit and wonder what turn I missed somewhere. I can hate all the up-and-coming twenty-somethings who manage to write best sellers. I can tell myself that I've been kidding myself this whole time in to thinking I could ever write a published novel.

OR!

I can ignore the pain of my Mental Arthritis. I can fight through it, and do my “exercising” by going back to my No Zero Days. It will be a struggle at first – as all exercise is, especially when battling an arthritic joint – and I may not see results right away. If I stick with it though, I'll become happier. I will feel like I've accomplished something. That I've moved forward. Also, just like how exercising releases endorphins that help someone destress and become happier, so does writing. You can get lost in your words just as easily as you can in your work out. Minutes can quickly become hours. You may be a bit drained when all is said and done, but you're also strangely energized at the same time. Even with that arthritis, you can see yourself accomplishing your goals; and it will be an even sweeter victory because you had to struggle to reach it.

It's super hard. Pushing through that initial lock-up and strain is just really hard. Sometimes it feels like it's not possible. This entire summer has more-or-less been just me sitting on the couch yelling for my knees to work properly. I signed up for “exercise classes” that I never went to: Ali's On Track program as well as the Writers’ Huddle Summer Challenge. Things that worked wonders for me last year did nothing for me this summer.

I didn't have the push. I didn't have the drive. I didn't have the discipline. I just didn't care to fight any longer.

I want to fix that.

For months now I've sworn up and down that my latest vampire character would be my last one; I'm just not cut out to do at least the White Wolf Mind's Eye Theatre version of LARPing. It frustrates me. Once this character was either killed off or retired or whatever, that would be it. However, a new character sprung herself at me a couple of weeks ago. So she's been joining me at work the past few days.

It's not much, but I guess it would be like some with arthritic hands squeezing a stress ball to try to loosen up the joints.

I have no clue when Lottie will make her appearance – it could be just a few games, or it could be over a year from now – but it's fun to get those juices flowing again as I get to know her.

Also, Spink finished her profile for X-Future and is planing on starting up some soft role play later today. Having fresh blood on the boards may not be enough to revive the game as a whole, but it may be enough to get my writing flowing again.

I also have a huge backlog of stories. So I've got tons of exercise activities that I can chose from.

Music can be my arthritis medication; it won't do too much on its own, but it's a start that helps ease the pain enough for me to do the rest of the work.

Here's to hoping that having this epiphany about Mental Arthritis will help me actually accomplish some writing this week.

Do you have Mental Arthritis too? Let me know how you're fighting it in the comments below. Learning from each other is a fantastic way to improve ourselves.  

Super Late -_-

WOOOOOOOOW, I super suck at this! Once again I didn't even realize it was Wednesday... Monday felt like a Sunday. Yesterday felt like a Friday. Today? Well.... I'm not sure what day it felt like, but it certainly wasn't Wednesday. My mind must truly be going. Must be the age. I mean, my writing has been completely ceased since my birthday last Wednesday.

Yeah. That's right. I had a birthday last Wednesday.

Told you my mind must be going due to age. Last week I hit the big 3-0.

Alright, all of you over the age of thirty can hate me a little for that last joke.

What's worse is that I was originally going to post on time last week. I actually WANTED to post something SPECIFICALLY because it was my birthday; thought it would be a fun way to kick off the next decade.

Wellllllll.... then I just got lazy. My mom came up to visit for "the big day". We massively cleaned my house on Tuesday, we then slept in on Wednesday, and spent the full day out. I debated stopping at some point and posting, but I don't see Mom all that much anymore. So.... screw it.

I was then going to post something last Thursday after Mom went home. I started writing something, but I just zoned out after a long and hectic seventy-two hours.

My next thought was to work on something Friday, but it was my only "alone" day last week, and I had work on top of it. Sis came up for the weekend then. She had work when Mom visited during the week. Anyway, she, celestialTyrant, and I all had a "girls night" when he took us out to a little boutique strip by his house, then out to dinner, and finally back to my place to try out my new Zumba game for the Wii.

We died.

Monday I was so tired from my week of Birthday Celebration that I just zoned out until my evening shift. I passed out when I came home. It didn't matter. By then it was too late to bother.

Theeeeeeen I goofed again. As I mentioned, I lost track of the days of the week once more. Otherwise I would have worked on this yesterday so it was ready to go up at noon. Like it was supposed to.

I'm not sure if it makes it better or worse to mention that I was so screwed up today that I punched out at 1pm, only to see the clock tell me I was leaving early. I wandered back to my department, looked at the schedule again, and noticed that I was SUPPOSED to work until THREE today. Whoops.

So I punched back in and awkwardly slinked back in to my department.

I'm not sure what I'm more annoyed with: my inability to remember what day I'm on, or the fact that I signed up for the free On Track course AND Writers’ Huddle summer challenge only to NOT WRITE AT ALL since.

I really need to work on this, but I'm just drained. Constantly drained. And it isn't going to stop any time soon. I've got a full day on Saturday. Up at the crack of dawn, going in to work super early in order to set them up before cutting out early on them. Then The Bard is taking me and Hubby down to New Jersey for a combo 30th-birthday gift for the two of us. Once we're home we're going straight to our LARP! I'm going to be dead... again....

The first task in the On Track course is to actually schedule time to write. I'm guessing I'm going to have to do so.

Friday.

I have Friday off. I'll write on Friday. Mark my words!

My Muse Keeps Getting Hit With A Giant Flyswatter...

First off, an update.

Just before my blog went live Phfylburt did indeed give me a "legit" answer as to why he did what he did. I debated going back and editing my last post, but figured it would work better if I used it as an update in this one. It sort of ties in to what I want to say.

I'm going to try to avoid spoilers, sorry if something slips out. Take comfort that it will probably be a good year or so before I get to this part in the X-Future story, and so maybe any spoiler hints I accidentally slip will be forgotten by then.

Anyway, it seems that the underlining reason for Phfyl to do what he did was indeed simply "boredom". On three levels: He felt that with things the way they were he was in a rut, took the tale as far as he could and it was time for him to do what he did, and his number one reason? He was just flat out bored with what he had.

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I at least have an understanding; a reason. However, I'm still royally pissed off, and maybe even more so. Maybe it's because while HE was in a rut with everything and bored with it I was able to see so much more potential. I could have gone off on my own and ran with so many ideas if he had just turned everything over to me instead.

Plus, I'm tired of all the rage-quitting.

Sure, he's still on the boards, but he's just one of many - actually, most at this point in time - that just threw their hands up and said "This is boring me, nevermind."

Granted, for him this might be what he needed to revive his spirit in the game and move forward with more fervor. A way for us all to jumpstart the game again with his added interactions. For nearly everyone else, however, it means dropping out of the game completely and killing our momentum. It's hard to do a role-play-game with only two regular people, one moderately frequent player, and two players that sporadically show up to play.

If we don't get more players - or more players back - we might as well just call the game.

That enrages me more than anything because it would just be about par for the course for me.

As a teenager I started up fanfiction writing, although it wasn't in the traditional sense. I would mentally role-play scenarios that would be fanfiction if I ever got around to writing them down. The closest I got was joining an online RPG like X-Future. It was a Batman RPG.

They already had a player for the character I both really wanted and really knew well: Selina "Catwoman" Kyle.
Thankfully they had an opening for another beloved character of mine: Harley Quinn.

Problem being that this was back when I was still new to role playing, and even newer to role playing online. I don't like stepping on people's toes when I role play. I don't write in absolutes in most cases. While most would write "She punched him" - making it a definite that the swing connected - I tend to spin it as "She swung at his jaw" - leaving the option open for him to dodge or otherwise counter the punch. It actually annoys me that so many on X-Future write in absolutes....

Anyway, since Harley was generally just a glorified Joker Henchman, I didn't like doing too much without Joker's player directing me. I came in mid-plot and didn't want to ruin what they had set up or where they were going with it. Sure, it got Joker a bit mad because back then I could only go on the internet about once a week, and when I updated it would a simple sentence or two, but we got by.

Then the guy who was playing Batman graduated college and couldn't play as regularly anymore due to his work. He passed the character off to someone else who also didn't play regularly. Next thing I knew we don't have a game any longer, just when I was starting to get the hang of it and was able to post significant actions.

Now the same is happening here it seems. Although we aren't dependent on one central character - Batman - we are still dependent on people who don't update frequently at all and hold up the board. Add in the fact that we have fewer and fewer players - mostly due to the same rage-quitting Phfyl essentially did - and we REALLY rely on the handful left to be active. At least if there were about 30players it wouldn't matter too much if people weren't on frequently. There was always someone else to interact with.

So, yeah, Phfyl, I'm pissed at you rage-quitting and shrinking our ranks some more.

Wanna know why else I'm pissed? Why this feels about "par for the course"?

Because whenever I find something that gives me any sort of momentum, any sort of drive, anything that sparks my passion for writing.... it gets squashed. Hard.

I was excited about writing on the Batman board and was thinking of actually writing out the fanfiction I've been mentally writing for years. After the board died I lost the desire to keep going with writing Batman stuff - especially after apparently sucking so hard-core as Harley. Clearly I didn't know the characters as well as I thought.

I was excited about becoming a journalist, and even more so about actually interning at the local newspaper during my senior year of high school. That is, until the editor wanted me to just do police blotters. That's it. My entire internship was walking down to the police station, gathering their reports that were redacted for public knowledge, and typing them up. She put NO effort in to taking me to actual stories in order to show me how it's done. No effort to actually educate me on how to be a reporter.

I gave up on journalism pretty much then and there.

I was excited to be a Creative Writing dual-major, and then I met my professor. No matter how passionate I was with my writing, no matter how excited I was to turn in something, no matter how much drive I had to get my story told... there he was repetitively telling me I wasn't cut out for writing.

While I still had to turn out scripts like a machine for all of my Broadcast Media courses - and then again while with a production company, I didn't write leisurely for about six years.

I got in to Hey Arnold and started writing for leisure for the first time since college. I was passionate about my stories and while What Is Truly Meant To Be is left unfinished, I was still turning out one-shots fairly frequently. Then I moved, and somehow lost most of the DVDs I had of the Hey Arnold series. Then the rights for Netflix to air the show expired. Finally, the drama within the fandom finished off my drive.

I still love the show and do eventually want to go back and at least finish WITMTB, but that desire to write from that source material is gone.

Ali Luke gifted me a slot in her online writing group Writers’ Huddle, and that got me going again too. I'm still a bit nervous about passing anything over to the critique section since it is mostly fanfiction of fandoms people aren't all that aware of, but the community is great. It was welcoming and I was getting great advice.

Then the laptop thing happened, and I don't really read things online anymore. To be fair, this one is on me...

I thought I would be able to solve the internet issue for interacting with other writers by creating a local writing group where we can either meet in person or on Skype. No screen-reading or eye-strain required. But that fell through after just two meetings.

I had a spark; an almost ITCH to write when I had that back and forth with Ronoxym, but then he fell off the planet.

And now the board. X-Future. My last drive to keep me writing. It's dying too, and Phfyl's post last night is just killing it all the faster. Especially since the only real dive for me to keep going with Lia was to interact with Phfyl's characters more. Actually, Willow just had a nice connection too, and Crystal was heavily involved with Phfyl's characters. So, essentially his big play last night stopped my ability to do that much more on the board. Whole plotline potentials lost.

My only drive left with X-Future is to drop the board entirely and just focus on it as a webcomic. Reboot it. Start it over. Don't transfer anything over except for the characters and maybe some of the more key plot points. Maybe just converting it completely in to our own universe, like I've been slowly working on.

The only thing THERE is that it feels a bit like cheating. Even if I do have Hubby, Phfyl, or even Ron join in on the collab, there's still about fifteen characters that aren't ours. I'm sure my friends wouldn't really mind, but it feels like cheap fanfiction. You're taking someone else's characters and creating your own story with them, but the characters are designed from your friends' imaginations; not a well-known piece of work. So, it's fanfiction, but with the drive to call it "original work"....

Oh, and then there's that whole "I can't draw" thing stopping the webcomic process....

So it might be unfair to Phfylburt that all my anger gets pooled and then spilled over on to him, but he's just the latest out of a long list of writing opportunities lost and muses murdered.

Then - on a more personal level - there's the fact that I don't really have that large of a social circle. I'm getting older, and while most of my friends are younger and the whole "they're getting married and starting families" trope isn't true quite yet, they are still not visiting as much.

The Bard spent the past weekend with us, but except for playing the LARP we haven't socialized with him for MONTHS before that... his birthday I think. Sucks since he and Ronoxym apparently talk every day.
CelestialTyrant has always been a bit "flaky" due to his job, but we see him even less after he had to more-or-less "reboot" his career. Once a month if we're lucky.
Omnibladestrike frequently uses the "I'm exhausted after work" excuse. Understandable; we've used it too, but still....

Cyhyr doesn't visit without Ron, and he doesn't visit due to working two jobs. I'm still a bit bummed that we somehow missed his one day off a few weeks ago...

So Hubby and I are more-or-less isolated except for any online socializing we do. In other words: Facebook and X-Future. So the possibility of losing X-Future is super hard on me. It's not only a large source of writing muse for me for nearly two years, but it's also one of my main social networks. A bit pathetic, I know, but there ya have it....

The final thing that I think affected me so much was Phfyl's writing itself. Two fold here.

On the one hand I have to admit how envious I am of him. As I mentioned in my last post, I have to give him credit for making me care so much for his characters and loving every plot he came up with. Nearly everything from this man was gold to me. He'd come up with a character and I instantly was like "MY NEW FAVE!" He'd come up with plot devices and twists, and I'd be beyond excited for him and Hubby to enact them. As much as I'd hate the trauma he'd put Kinney and Lincoln through, I still loved the updates. I loved seeing the character development. I loved going "OH SNAP!" as his tale took a new direction.

Then he shocked and kind of disappointed me. As I said in my earlier update, it felt lazy and cheap. He had a great opportunity he could have taken and didn't seem to even think of it. Actually, it may have been hard to remember since the role play has dragged out, but in-game something major happened a week or two earlier that he never explored. There was an interaction with Willow and some character development that he ignored.

The fact that he said he was bored enraged me because there was so much there that he could have worked with and he didn't seem to see it.

Here I'm struggling to come up with a muse of mine own and he ignored so many of his. If only I could have written for HIS characters or using HIS plot lines I'd be set. I guess that's the fanfiction writer in me.

Which brings me to the second reason why Phfyl's writing affected me so much.

What if all of this means I'm really NOT cut out for writing? I mean, seriously? Every time I have something that inspires me, something that drives me, something that is my muse it dies on me. I can't seem to be inspired unless there's an outside catalyst of some sort, even if its just a source material that I can write fanfiction for.

Think about it. I was inspired to write again by getting in to fanfiction. My "original" stories based in Gyateara are birthed out of source material I have to now manipulate: Legend of Zelda, Fable, D&D, Inu Yasha, and Vision of Escaflowne. My greatest drive to write something was the X-Men forum. Even then, a lot of the one-shots I've written were my characters interacting with another player's character based off of what recently happened on the board. Then there's the story where I'm literally just converting the board in to a narrative. Even on the board itself I need an outside source to inspire me; a catalyst such as Hubby creating an event, a character interacting with me, or something another character does somehow affecting mine, etc.

The strong "itch" to write was because something Ron wrote sparked my muse. Even now I'm using HIS story to rekindle my writing.

So what if I can't do this alone? What if I can't find a story that is wholly mine that grabs me and drives me to write? What if the fact that my muse is killed so frequently means I don't have the passion to write that I thought I did? If I was really meant to do this why can't I seem to push myself to do so? Why don't I have the discipline Cyhyr or Phfyl have?

Even if I could find a way to write without an outside source or catalyst, would I be able to write characters as compelling as Phfyl does? Plots as engrossing? Would I ever be able to evoke emotion as strongly as Phfyl did with me? Would a reader hate me as much as I hate Phfyl if I had pulled the same stunt he did?

I guess this whole blog post just sums up to one thing:

I'm sorry I dumped so much on you, Phfylburt. I'm sorry I'm so enraged at you for seemingly no reason. I'm sorry that I've made you feel guilty for your decision - even if I do still think it was a moronic one.

Clearly I have some of my own things to try to sort though and figure out.