Wednesday, December 4, 2024

Can I Get a Collab?

Est. Read Time: 20min
This Month's Font: Comic Neue (again)

Hey, Gang. You remember last update when I mentioned I have been working on an update since the summer, but it kept getting pushed back? That I should be able to publish a second update within November to try to get back on track with my uploading schedule? Yeah.... this would be that post.... The... uh... publishing schedule yet again didn't go as planned. Mostly because every time I'm nearly done with this update I get delayed. Then, when I have free time again, the time-sensitive portions of my post have passed and I have to rework. It was that way with my birthday week. Then again for Breast Cancer Awareness month and Halloween in October. And, most recently, talking about American Thanksgiving and my husband's birthday, assuming I'd be able to post this last week.

So, back to the proverbial drawing board I had to go yet again. Having to completely rework the opening of this post. Weeeeeeeee...

It's just easier to jump right into the point of this update.

Back in my September update, I had asked a seemingly rhetorical question: "I have surprisingly more to say now, but this post has already gotten so long.... how does that keep happening to me?"

In truth, I think I know the answer to the "how do these things get so long when I thought I had nothing to say?" question. 

After roleplaying again both in D&D and in World Wide Wrestling, I've noticed how stories briefly flowed easier for me again. Hubby would pitch an idea to me for an NPW, and I would help him build it up; come up with the backstory and personality. Secret lore developed from both the NPCs and my characters, in both the wrestling game and D&D. You probably picked up on that when I went off for ages about Ned Patrick Corney and the WWW plotlines we havegoing on. On top of all that, talking with Hubby about those roleplay games and a sci-fi Actual Play that we had watched had me thinking about Scum & Villainy again, as I mentioned last update.

On the fanfic front, I would read some fanfics - usually written by MostLovedGirl, if I'm honest - and their story alone would spark something. I would picture the scene from another character's perspective, or I'd think about a hand-waved scene (a "fade to black", if you will) and what could have happened there, or I would have expected a scene to go a different way. I'd typically write a theory or two in my comments on the fic. Then, either the fic's author or other readers would reply to my comments. After some back-and-forth, I would end up writing a spin-off story inspired by the original fic. (I talk more about this below)

Alternatively, I would hijack Ronoxym's stories based on our X-Future characters as we discussed how in- or out-of-character Willow or Trish were. Aurora Morgen or Dragnime would talk to me about their original stories, and I would just burst with ideas as I think of ways they could flesh out their worlds and/or characters more.

Finally, I would start off these blogs believing that I had nothing to truly say to you fine folks, or I'd lament about being stuck with where to go with a particular story. However, as I seemingly grasp at straws on what to tell you all, or I relay the problem with my latest story over to you, magically it all comes together. I suddenly have endless things to tell you, or the solution to a lingering literary problem manifests.

None of this happens in a vacuum though. If I simply talked to myself to try to work through my writer's block - or world building hiccups, or problem sections of my stories - I get nowhere. If I try to come up with stories completely off the dome my head is unbearably empty. No thoughts.

Panel from Shut Up, Takamori!
by Kamiharu Haruno

(Side tangent, but ChibiSunnie introduced me to this new manga series: Shut Up, Takamori! I am ADORING the story. It's so wonderfully unhinged. I'll talk more about it below. But this panel in particular is my new favorite panel ever. I just love her "head empty" expression! Now, back to our regularly scheduled topic....)

Why is it that my head just full-on flushes all inspiration and drive from my mind whenever I sit with a writing problem alone, but I can instantly crank the faucet on to full-stream if I'm relaying the info to ANYONE else, even if they can't respond? I think it's pretty obvious. What I'm truly missing is someone to collaborate with; someone to bounce ideas off of. Hubby can be that person on occasion, but, unfortunately, not often enough.

Honestly, I feel like I've known this about myself for years now. Since I don't have a consistent collaborator, though, I just try to pretend that I can do this alone. I mean, I kind of have to, or I'm forced to give up my passion, right?

It's not for lack of trying. I'll routinely ask for help and tell people my ideas, but none of them bounce back. There would be virtually no interaction there. People would tell me that my idea/story was interesting; keep going; what's next? All of which are very encouraging, don't get me wrong, but there's not really much there to build off of. There's no follow-up questions to help get my brain turning. There wasn't the same back-and-forth of, say

"Oh! But what about [blank]?"
"I love that! But what if I do it like this instead?"
"Yeah! And then [blank] could happen!"
"I didn't even THINK of that! YES!"

I just about never get that level of back-and-forth when I'm talking about my writing with someone. There's no engagement. Everyone is so passive as they listen to me. It's hard to get any kind of feedback from anyone. Even back when I would participate in a writing group, it was almost like pulling teeth to try to get critiques. I'd get a lot of encouraging nods and people telling me that they liked what I wrote, but that would be it. It didn't spark anything from them. It didn't get their own creative juices going as they excitedly tried to theorize on what could happen next, or what would happen if a character did x, y, or z instead. No one asked me follow-up world-building questions or suggested that a character act/react a certain way instead. No one would even tell me a specific phrase or line or bit of dialogue that they particularly enjoyed (or one that stood out like a sore thumb). Nothing. Just.... nothing.

Probably one of the core causes for my impostor syndrome. If I don't evoke creativity or engagement, could my stories TRULY be as good as people tell me? Is that why I'm forgotten in the fandom? My writing is entertaining, but it doesn't SPARK anything like other writers? Nothing lingers? I mean, I don't inspire fanfic spin-offs or fanart or fan comics or fan theories, etc. If people are only taking in my work passively, is my writing only about B-grade?

Ignoring THAT existential crisis for the moment. Let's go back to my need for someone to work with/build off of, a lot of the time I use you guys for the much-needed feedback. A sort of proxy, if you will. Even if I were to verbally talk to myself to get the ideas out - pitching them to myself and responding in kind - my brain empties.

"No. You are still just talking to yourself. No ideas for you!"

Writing to you fine folks, on the other hand, while I rarely get responses, I guess my brain still knows there's that possibility. I am projecting outward. I am talking to someone else. And, magically, my head fills with solutions or inspiration that had long eluded me.

I'll tell you guys what I'm planning for my story, and then I'll have some fictitious amalgamation of you all coming back at me with potential plot holes. As I respond to "you" I'm able to sort out those plot holes right then and there. In real-time. You guys have probably seen this very thing happen in my older posts.

This leads me to my biggest writing conundrum, though. I can't really use myself as a sounding board anymore, as we established. I HAVE to have something/someone exterior to me, and I rarely have that. Even if I continue to trick my mind by chatting "with" you fine folks (for however long that solution lasts before my brain becomes immune), it takes me about 6 weeks to publish anything! That's just too long to try to sort out ALL of my writing woes. Which brings me to my key question.

How do I trick my mind so writing can be a sort of solo activity again?

Don't get me wrong, I do have lots of support when it comes to people encouraging me to write, and telling me that I'm a good writer. However, when it comes to having that sounding board outside of myself? I'm dead in the water.

On the flipside, Hubby has me. He can come up with a character, pitch ideas my way, and/or give me broad-stroke storylines he's trying to flesh out. Then I'll take those seeds and run with them. Not long after, I'll bring back what I have, which sparks new inspiration in him. He tosses another seed my way, and I go full-bore. Rinse and repeat. 

Same with my writer friends. They'll give me broad-strokes of their story plot or world build. They'll give me character skeletons. They'll let me know the vibe they're trying to achieve. I'll respond with "Oooh, that's a good idea, I particularly love this element!" or "How about if you do this... or that?" or "What if this happened instead?" or "Oh, yeah! I can totally see [blank]" or "I like it, but I think it would be cooler if you do this." or even "Hmmm. I dunno. I don't really understand what you're going for there. Could you explain further?" So on and so forth.

For my writer friends - and even for Hubby as he character- and world-builds - I get invested and want to know more about the lore. I want to better understand the characters. I want to know why x-, y-, or z-solution wouldn't work out instead. I want them to paint a picture so I can better imagine the characters and the world they are building.

I keep asking for more and more and more like a little glutenous goblin.

And these back-and-forth sessions seem to really help as they try to find answers to my questions or more content for me to consume. I push them to dive deeper.

I never really had anyone - not even really my writing teachers - do the same for me and my writing. No one asks to know more about my OCs. No one asks for lore drops or further explanations for my worlds. No one questions why my characters pick one solution and not another. No one asks me to further explain something. No one theorizes. No one suggests, "What if this instead?"

Which is a bit of a struggle.

Again, don't get me wrong, it's encouraging that everyone who reads my stuff goes, "Wow, this is amazing. There's really nothing there that I can help you improve on." But, can that possibly be true? It can't, right? It's impossible for there to not be something that I can improve on. In ALL of my writing over the years, it can't possibly be true that the only thing people have questioned was the fight scene choreography I wrote up for Devon and Trish.

I would LOVE it if my writing was so good that nothing further needs explaining, or that my characters' decisions made perfect sense to the reader 100% of the time. That can't be possible though. Especially all the way back at the young age of 18.

Again, reflecting on my time with the writing group, I would be able to give suggestions to just about everyone who read their works aloud:

"I really liked this line"
"This phrasing was amazing"
"You really evoked this feeling of [blank] here"
"I'm curious as to why your character didn't do [blank] instead"
"I wish your character was a bit more [blank] in that scene"
"The wording doesn't quite work. What about something closer to [blank]?"
"I'm confused on the structure of this society. Could you elaborate on [blank]?"
"Oooo! I really love what you have here. Could you expand on that?"
"We were able to sort out what the character was doing from earlier descriptions.
       It's redundant to full-on tell us here. I think you can cut it."
"This feels too vague. I got confused as to who they were talking about"
"This is my new favorite character! I need more of them!"
"That is such an awesome character name! I love it!"
"I CANNOT keep this character's name in my head no matter how many times
       I see it. Sorry."
"Oooo! That's fun lore! Can we get more of it? I want to know more!"

You get the idea.

While I was able to just about always find SOMETHING to comment on for everyone else's story - what I liked, what didn't work for me, how they could improve, theories/questions that popped into my head while hearing/reading the story, etc - I almost never got the same level of feedback in return. The notable exception was whenever I'd get feedback on my fanfics. Almost always, when there was something they really liked, or they were confused about, or they think I should present in another way.... it was something canon to Miraculous Ladybug. Therefore, the praise was for the show's writers; not me. The confusion was because of the show's canon, and the corrections suggested would kind of break the mythos/lore the show presented. Not bad, if you're writing what's known as "fix-it fics" where your goal is to take canon and "correct" it. For me, though? When I'm trying to write close-to-canon? Those suggestions weren't much help, sadly..... In other words, the engagement was almost never for my original content within the ML universe.

Even if I were to take the suggestions and work on a "fix-it fic" instead, I would simply be repairing somebody else's story, not expanding upon my own.

Which circles me back to my earlier question: Am I truly a good writer if I can't evoke engagement with my stories?

The struggle isn't just with the lack of engagement when talking about my stories directly to people such as my husband, my writing group, or my writing friends. It's when I scroll through Tumblr and I see this person post about a scene in a fic that spoke to them so much that they couldn't resist drawing it out. Or someone really loved a character's redesign and they had to try it out themselves via fanart. When I first joined the ML fandom, I was actually introduced to a few fics via an artist drawing out comic adaptations of certain fic chapters they especially adored. I have also personally written fanfics based off other people's fan works.

My old Hey Arnold! fic I Thought You Liked Redheads was inspired by fanart of Helga Pataki with her hair dyed red and the artist noting that Arnold's first two crushes were redheads.

My one ML Christmas story Perfect Doesn't Need To Be Perfect was a retelling of Taurus Pixie's story Twelve Days of Chatmas, but from Marinette's point of view instead of Adrien's.

Ladybug's Simp Squad was based off of fanart of Adrien and Alya wearing "Ladybug Simp" sweatshirts and the subsequent Tumblr thread of people coming up with the backstory behind the sweatshirts.

Could Your Paradise Also Be Your Hell was a retelling of a chapter from MostLovedGirl's fanfic Remember That Time When... filling in the gap of what Marinette did while Adrien went to bed alone.

Likewise, Rolling Thunder was inspired by MLG's story Finding Yourself in the Details, and I Think I Like You (Maybe More Than I Should) was a retelling of her story Ha! You Think That's Embarrassing? but from Adrien's POV instead of Marinette's.

Meanwhile, with the exception of ChibiSunnie drawing fanart of my one HA! fic, and someone else drawing fanart of the Chat Noir Appreciation Day outfits I had Marinette, Adrien, Alya, and Nino wear in Peeping Tomcat. I have had nothing. No other fanart. No fan comics. No spin-off fanfics. No theorizing. No story recommendations. Nada.

Again, I want to stress that I do indeed get lovely feedback. I do. I love all the reviews that I get. They make me smile every single time. Be they long multi-paragraph gush-fests or a simple heart emoji. I love them all so dearly. Every last one is precious to me. I love everyone who tells me that I am definitely a writer. You keep me going.

As do those small handful of readers who have mentioned in their reviews that they've read my story multiple times before realizing they never left a comment. Or the one or two readers who purposefully left a second comment to let me know that they HAD to come back to re-read my story. Or the precious few who have written in their review how much my story moved them.

Each of those reviews are torches leading me through the darkness of my uncertainty.

Which is why leaving a comment/review is so important to artists, btw....

But this lack-of-engagement thing outside of those... maybe dozen people? The fact that MY stories don't seem to inspire spin-offs or retellings or fanart or theorizing, etc? When I've shared maybe half-a-dozen of those Tumblr Ask games where followers are encouraged to ask you about your OCs or writing, and I've maybe gotten 2 responses total from all them? The struggle I have to come up with content myself; without being inspired by someone else's work? The need to bounce ideas off of someone else (if I'm not outright swiping their idea; I mean I AM a FANFIC writer....)? I dunno. I guess it all adds up, and it's been years now since I've truly felt like a writer.

Circling back to my original point, not that it's unrelated to this "Am I truly a writer?" crisis I've been going through. I guess the reason I write fanfiction - both based off of officially published works as well as based off of other fanworks - is the same reason why I love social, collaborative roleplay games like D&D, Scum & Villainy, Blades in the Dark, or World Wide Wrestling. It's the ability to co-write a bigger story with other people. To take the start of what someone else created and expand upon it. To "Yes, and..." off of someone.

Maybe that's why my only real concepts for "original stories" are retellings of those roleplay games: relaying over what happened to Jolene in her D&D campaign, letting the world see the adventures of the second generation of X-men in X-future, displaying the chaos that The Stardancer crew has caused the universe in Scum & Villainy.

I dunno. I have no clue what to do with all of this info. How to process it. What it means for my writing in the future. Is it something I have to work on, or is it something I just need to learn to work WITH?

I just... I guess I had a mild epiphany and I wanted to share it?

The only thing I truly know after all of this is that I need a permanent writing partner. Any takers?

In the meantime, I'm still chugging away at my reading. No novels yet, but a TON of digital comics still.

My weekly schedule has expanded to:

My completed series list now is up to:

*The Duke's Teddy Bear is a bit complicated. I ALMOST completed the story. I got as far as free reading will get me. I have 3 more episodes to go to fully complete the story, but that will take 9 coins total to unlock. Translation? Roughly only about $1. I've just been stubborn about giving the app my money. Instead, I've been grinding out one of the games Webtoon advertises in order to earn Webtoon coins. Honestly, it might be worth just giving Webtoon the buck.

Generated by Bitmoji
Doctored by LycoRogue

And then we have the series that are either Canvas, and therefore don't update regularly, or are on hiatus. I read these in those lull-days (Sunday, Wednesday, and/or Thursday):

Then there's Double The Trouble, Twice As Nice over on Comikey. I gave it enough time that more chapters are up. I'm debating if I dive back in since I loved this series so much, and it updates roughly every fortnight.

There's also a few other stories that I had started up but haven't kept up with that I could bring back into rotation: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Growing Up Gerudo, Mythic Item Obtained, or Blood Stain over on Webtoon, or either My Housemate Sano-kun Is Just My Editor! or The Lady Likes a Nerd over Princes on Comikey.

On top of AAAAAAALLLLL of that, I also have probably another dozen stories on my To Read list on Webtoon, and half as many over on Comikey!

It may have been over a year since I've picked up a traditional book, but I sure as hecken getting back into reading daily before bed.

And that's not including keeping up with zenmisery's latest story Intensity.

Finally, there's that manga I mentioned earlier (the one with the "Head Empty" panel): Shut Up, Takamori!

Sadly, only the first chapter is free to read, but, MAN, am I itching for more of that story!

Minamikawa knows a secret about her classmate, Takamori.

Or rather, she’s forced to know, since as a telepath, she can hear Takamori's thoughts... which on most days, contain blatant confessions of his love for her!

A high school rom-com about an easily flustered telepathic girl [who] wants to shut up her secret suiter's lovey-dovey thoughts!

        - Official Summary from Manga UP!

Aside from the greatly amusing illustrations (see: above "Head Empty" panel), the story itself is hilarious. For anyone who watches anime/reads mangas, or anyone who consumes content inspired by anime/manga. You know all of those scenes where the character is cool, calm, and collected on the surface, and then the audience sees their inner thoughts where they go absolutely feral or are beyond love-sick? Now picture those moments, but from the perspective of the person the cool and collected character is thinking about... and said topic of those thoughts is telepathic.

Takamori usually keeps to himself, not wanting to bother Minamikawa. However, whenever she hands him his dropped pencil or eraser she's flooded with his thoughts of how sweet and kind she is and how close they are and how he has to keep it together. She tries to deter his affections by being mean to him, only to INSTANTLY feel guilty and play it off as her simply teasing him. Which then means he finds her even MORE adorable.

She is being love bombed without the poor guy even realizing he's doing it. And seeing her freak out about how to handle the situation is fantastic! Especially since he's never outwardly shown her affection, so she can't even turn him down without revealing her secret of being a telepath. So, she decides to change tactics and essentially tries to get him to confess his feelings to her so that she has an excuse to know of his affections. THEN she can turn him down and hope he can move on.

Problem is, her attempts to get HIM to confess just makes it look like SHE is flirting.

For anyone who has watched/read Don't Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro, this manga gives kind of the same vibes.

Man! I wish I could get more of it without paying. It sucks being poor....

Circling back to my writing. As mentioned, I kind of fell off the wagon pretty quickly during November. I only barely chipped away at Seduce With Caution. I think I'm redoing the sex scene I've already written. I still need to finish up the Adrien Confesses To Marinette scene. There's also a lot of connecting scenes that I have to iron out still.

So, for reals, if anyone wants to jump aboard as my beta or something, I'm game! I really REALLY want to get back on track with this story, at least. Gift it to zenmisery before she disappears like a cryptid again. Then, MAYBE I can FINALLY get back on track with One And The Same finally.

Maybe my first step is to try to get an actual December update done, so this can remain my "belated November" update.

Let's see how I do this go.....

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