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I'll just say it, being 35 SUCKED. It was an age I was always looking towards as a goal post for a LOT of things. I was both scared and excited to reach that age. And then this past year?
Of course, there have been highlights within the past year, but for the most part? Meh.
I'm still in an apartment instead of having my own home, which also means still no pets. Boooo. Hubby and I are still childless, and with the stress of handling this pandemic, that's probably not going to change any time soon. I am NOT happy with where I am with my weight. My knee has been loudly clicking, and I've had a touch of a limp while going up/down stairs, so I've been avoiding Zumba for nearly 2 months now to try to not agitate my knee further. While I have still managed to build up a nest egg of savings, it's not nearly enough for any sort of home down payment, and it's barely enough to handle any sort of MAJOR medical issue or the need to buy a new car if something massive happens to the still-relatively-new car I currently own. Still, for normal day-to-day - buying groceries or picking out birthday presents or paying back family loans or making sure all the bills are paid on time or the occasional splurge on a Kickstarter project - and for MINOR health issues or car repairs, we're good. So.... there's that.
Aside from the house and family concerns, the biggest hit this past year has been to my writing.
It seemed to have petered off throughout the second half of last year, and I've barely touched any writing at all this year; not really putting any fictional words to paper since mid-March. Part of that has coincided with one of the roughest Writing Funks I've had since college. In truth, part of the reason I ran away from being on Tumblr for more than a few minutes each day since the pandemic hit the United States is because I just can't handle seeing the productivity that seems to have sprung out of everyone else, and also because it hurts to see the love other writers are getting, while knowing I'm still kinda lost in obscurity.
Now, let's throw in my normal disclaimer here: By NO means am I saying the other authors don't deserve the love. In fact, I may very well be one of those readers pouring out the admiration for those stories and writers. My self-doubts and disappointment in my "lack of love" by no way reflects what these other writers do or do not deserve. Their success does not create nor cause my own shortcomings. These are completely separate, and I hope those authors continue getting the love they have rightfully earned.
I'll also throw in my "I know I'm a good writer. I have only received positive reviews of my stories, and I've had a handful of readers who've become true cheerleaders, and even grew to become friends, so I know my writing IS loved. It just doesn't get FOUND all that frequently, and doesn't become viral successes like these other stories."
I know this.
But I think that's part of the problem? I KNOW I'm a good writer. Sure, I still have places where I need to grow. All authors do. I am far from perfect in my writing. Still. I KNOW my stories are good and that people enjoy them.
So why AREN'T they the stories that go viral, or are included in recommendation lists on popular fandom Tumblr blogs? Why doesn't my work get fanart or inspire people to draw out my scenes as comics with the artist shouting "You guys all have to go read this story!"? Why don't I get Tumblr Asks where people just gush about how amazing my work is?
Whenever I see all of that on the blogs of my friends or mutuals or people I follow, I'm SO proud of them. I'm incredibly happy for them, because I can imagine how much of a high that is.
But why not me?
I know. I know that part of it is because I post so infrequently. I'm not one of the prolific writers that seems to post something new - be it a short story, a drabble, a new chapter, etc - every day. I'm not drawing people in with a constant updating schedule. That was part of the reason each year's goal is to post something new at least once a month.
I also know that part of the problem is that I'm not much of a content creator on Tumblr, Instagram, or Twitter. Those other authors that blow up? They're also artists who build up a huge following with their art, and their fans just naturally shift to read their writing, and their personal fandom grows from there. Some of those artists have drawn comics; proving they can write at least a short story with a visual media, so people trust they can transition further into fully literary storytelling. Or they aren't artists per se, but they still post amusing thoughts about the fandom at least once a day, if not more frequently. They come up with goofy scenarios or write little drabbles online of silly AUs or What Ifs or Inaccurate Quotes. People can see and know how creative they are. They are constantly coming up with content and building up a fanbase around that.
I KNOW all of this. That's not me though. I'm not a skilled artist. Most of the artwork I do takes me HOURS just to manipulate a picture in GIMP or something. I'm also not that quickly creative. By no means am I an improvisationalist. I tend to take the show/story - be it Miraculous Ladybug or Fruits Basket or Hey! Arnold or Percy Jackson - so much at face value that I don't even bother to think "Yeah, but what if..." There are such small portions of my favorite stories that leave me thinking of theories that I could jump off of. Instead, I try to fill in gaps, like I did with my story Prescription for Love for the ML episode "Backwarder." There wasn't really a "what if" scenario or anything. It was more "We know the start point and the end point, so what happened in the middle?"
This is probably why one of the top comments my stories get is something to the effect of "Wow. It was like reading an episode."
I just.... I stick SUPER close to canon, and maybe that's one of my popularity issues?
Either way, disappearing for 4 months probably doesn't help.
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Well, I'm not 36 yet, but I am on vacation this week leading into my birthday, and I have kind of got a nice running start at the year.
First of all, it's a bit delayed, but apologies for missing last week again, but in order for everyone to still get their 2 days off last week before I started my vacation, I ended up working last Tuesday. I once again neglected to write my blog post early on Monday, and I didn't really have much to talk about anyway, so I just kind of let the week go.
But back to this week. With my downtime, I managed to read the latest chapter of Dressed to Confess by zenmisery. Still need to go back and read a few other chapters/stories that have been sitting in my queue for about a month now, but at least I got one out of the way, right?
Anyway, well, this next part is going to have some spoilers to Zen's story, so I'll throw up my spoiler warning.
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Okay, so to recap the story thus far: Chat Noir was feeling lonely, so he started visiting Marinette. They are now, like, seniors in high school or something, and so, at a Christmas party, Marinette is giving one last-ditch effort to tell Adrien how she feels. If he rejects her then that's it. She's moving on. To try to prep for the confession, and to make sure she looks as beautiful as she possibly can, she's spending most of December creating a custom and detailed dress to confess in. Chat Noir has been keeping her company each night as she creates the dress and stresses about her confession, but he has no clue he's doing all of this for his civilian self. He thinks she's going to confess to Luka, and finds it insane that the two haven't already started dating. At the same time, he realizes he should probably make a similar decision about Ladybug: it's been years, and so he should decide if it's time to finally let her go and try to move on.
He's actually started to move on already, and realizes he's fallen for Marinette, but he's not sure what to do with that information. He's declared for years that he's in love with Ladybug, and doesn't want to give that up. He also doesn't want to confess his feelings to Marinette and complicate things when she's working so hard to confess to her crush, whom he thinks is anyone BUT Adrien.
Meanwhile, Marinette is realizing that she's starting to fall for Chat Noir. She's in the middle of this grand confession plan for Adrien, only to realize she has feelings for someone else? Just as she's debating putting a full-stop to the whole thing and just accept Chat Noir's feelings as Ladybug, Adrien starts unintentionally flirting and comforting her in such a way that resparks her feelings for him, confusing her more.
The last chapter ended with the two - Marinette and Chat Noir - meeting up, still very confused about their feelings and what to do with them, and having a make-out session as they tried to figure out where their hearts were.
The most-recent chapter starts with Chat Noir waking up in Marinette's bed the next morning. Nothing sexual happened between them, mostly because he couldn't take off the costume without revealing who he was; it being magically worn and all. Adrien mentally admitted it was probably for the best because Marinette going along with the make-out session and not saying "no" didn't also mean she was saying "yes" to something as intimate as sex. He wasn't sure even he was ready for that, let alone if Marinette was. So he was grateful his inability to strip out of his costume forced them to slow down and not blindly follow their hormones into something they might later regret.
It was brilliantly written, however, it did get me thinking about that trope in the fandom. Namely, that a lot of adult writers will age up Marinette and Adrien so that MariChat can have more intimate relations without it being creepy. Alongside that is the trope that they CAN'T do anything intimate because Chat Noir is stuck in his costume. Granted, the same could play out with Ladybug being stuck in hers, but for some reason the sexual advancement of the Love Square relationship almost always seems to stick with MariChat or Adrienette. I guess Marinette isn't sexually hormonal when she's in superhero form, but Adrien is?????
Anyway, my point being, I thought about that trope, and of course my mind thought of how to get around it. How could Marinette let Chat Noir know she's ready for that level of intimacy, and how could Chat Noir let her know that he was as well? Well, I mean, outside of the obvious "they talk about it with each other," but that's not sexy, so we'll ignore that one.... Also, once they've decided they were both ready, how would they be able to actually have sex while still hiding Chat Noir's identity?
The simple answer came from the episode "Frighteningale": A Chat Noir Mask. Doi. Marinette could provide Chat Noir with a replica of his mask and a condom. That would be her way of signalling she's ready, and the ball would then be in his court to decide he was also ready by de-powering in private so she can't see who he is, and donning the gifts she left him.
Another scenario I thought of was towards the middle of the Dressed to Confess chapter. YEAH! I actually thought of TWO narrative scenarios! Go figure, right?
Anyway, Marinette and Chat Noir decide they will go back to just being friends until after Marinette has confessed. Then, if things go poorly and "he" doesn't accept Marinette's feelings, she and Chat Noir would try out their own relationship. Part of that, however, would mean Marinette would have to learn who Chat Noir was. He's nervous about accepting Marinette's suggestion because he knows Ladybug doesn't want anyone to know who the superheroes are. Marinette is also struggling because, as Ladybug, she knows it will be fine, but doesn't know how to let Chat Noir know this without also revealing who she is. She also wonders if she SHOULD let him know if she's going to know who he is.
In the end, Marinette offers to design an outfit for Chat Noir that matches the dress she's been working on. That way when she sees a guy wearing her suit she knows it's Chat Noir. He also agrees to stay hidden from her so she doesn't know who he is until after she's potentially rejected by her crush. In truth, I cannot WAIT for this part of the story: Marinette trying desperately to find Adrien in order to confess to him, meanwhile he's doing everything he can to avoid Marinette so she doesn't prematurely find out he's Chat Noir.
Anyway, the second scenario I thought of was a similar reveal, but instead of Marinette making a full outfit, Chat Noir instead brings Marinette a piece of clothing - a suit jacket, or a tie, or something like that - for her to embroider a special symbol on. It could be hidden on the back of the tie or the inside lining of the jacket, that way the symbol is only seen when revealed. Chat Noir knows he'll interact with Marinette as Adrien, and this way he can walk right by her while wearing the generic article of clothing without rising suspicion, but then show Marinette the bit of embroidery she added to reveal himself. Not quite as fun as what Zen came up with, but I still like the idea.
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OKAY! SPOILERS OVER NOW! YOU CAN START READING AGAIN IF YOU SKIPPED THE LAST PART!
If you did skip any of that stuff, know the long-and-short is that the chapter actually got me kinda-sorta running two different narrative scenarios in my head! One with regards to a kinda smutty MariChat scenario - even though there wasn't any sex in Zen's story - and another with an identity reveal via fashion accessory. I'll most likely never actually write them out, but it DID get me thinking in narratives, so... YAY!It was the first bit of narrative creativity - excluding my headcanoning about my Animal Crossing villagers - I've done in, like, 4 months. So, thank you, Zen!
To also aid in my attempt to jumpstart my writing, as well as help me create a prop I could potentially use in stories down the line, Hubby got me my secondary birthday gift early.
His main one was the Switch and copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons back in March, but he still wanted to gift me something this week. So he got me a copy of the PDF rule book for Sigils in the Dark by Kurt Potts and this super gorgeous hand-bound journal.
The game itself has you playing as this future dark mage, chasing after those faint whispers just barely out of sensory reach; learning sigils and testing them to try to achieve your ultimate goal, slowly going insane in the process as you become more and more willing to pay higher and higher sacrifices to learn the spell you need to succeed.
The game ends when you will it. Does it stop because the price of the spell is too much for the mage to be willing to pay? Does it end because the mage died in the process of trying to complete the spell? Did the mage succeed and no longer needs to add to the grimoire? Is the journal itself just, plain, full? Conceivably, the game can continue even beyond most of those points as long as there are still blank pages: a new mage has found the grimoire and falls down the same rabbit hole of looking for power; adding their own spells to the back of the journal.
Either way, once the game is deemed "complete" the end result is a physical grimoire prop to use for future RPGs or fantasy stories. I've had the journal for a few days now, but I'm waiting until my actual birthday to get started. That way it feels more like a birthday gift, as opposed to just a "this seems fun; here ya go" kind of gift Hubby and I tend to give to each other.
Maybe the epic tale of the darkness and insanity my mage finds herself in will grace this blog in the upcoming weeks/months.
Yay, potential writing!
Hubby is even debating getting his own journal so he can create a grimoire alongside me.
Also, after following a train of YouTube videos, I stumbled upon one by Dicebreaker that talks about 5 solo RPGs. In truth, I watched to see if Sigils in the Dark made the list. It didn't, but instead I learned about solo RPG Ex Novo by Martin Nerurkar and Konstantinos Dimopoulos. The premise of that game is to roll on tables provided in the game book as a means to slowly create and develop a city. The rolls provide you with guidance as to the resources available to the budding town, and the population density. Then, as you continue rolling, your town evolves. Buildings are built up; torn down; destroyed by natural disasters or raiding/war; expanded, etc. Population increases, decreases, shifts districts, etc. Natural resources are used up; new ones are discovered, and so on and so forth. By the time you're done playing, you have a city map, a culture, and an extensive history for the city and its people.
This is EXACTLY what I need to help me get back on track with the overall world build for both "Glitches" and Gyateara. So, yeah, I bought that up this morning, actually.
I hope with these new solo games - although, Hubby wants in on Ex Novo as well, so either he'll help me build some of my cities or we'll build up cities separately but at the same time - and life starting to resemble the Before Times again with regards to my daily schedule, and this week-long Reset Button of a stay-cation, I can get back into writing properly. Slowly dip my toes back into the water as it were.
Now, one of the reasons Hubby and I even heard of Dicebreaker and started watching some of their videos in the first place was because of the co-star and creator Johnny Chiodini, originally known to us as the DM of the Oxventure D&D sessions. In that regards, about a week or so ago Luke from Outside Xtra was on Dicebreaker in a one-on-one session with Johnny as he taught Luke how to become a DM. In truth, Johnny's advice and instruction had helpful generic rules on how to be a good Game Master in general, regardless of the RPG chosen. The advice was welcomed for even someone like me, who is mildly terrified about the prospect of DMing, mostly because I do generally suck at improv and thinking quickly on my feet as a means of pushing the story forward. Let alone having the skill to kind of corral the players so they stay to the main plotline. So, if nothing else, the video was entertaining because I like Johnny and Luke as people and it feels like watching friends of mine chat, which is nice. A bit delusional, but still nice. However, I did also enjoy the video because it helped me believe I could DM again if I were ever inspired to come up with a campaign plotline.
All of that aside, and the reason I'm even really discussing this video on my "writing" blog, one of the best things that came out of the video, for me, was Johnny's advice to write a quest backwards: figure out the Big Bad Boss Battle, then work your way back to come up with the key plot points the session has to hit in order to direct everyone to the boss, as well as prepare them to (hopefully) survive the battle. Finish up by spending the most time on the story hook at the beginning of the session. Get those players involved and wanting to follow the story you outlined.
This works equally well for stories in general, the more I thought about it. Stephen King has notably stated that he writes his stories backwards; know where he wants the story to end, and backtrack to figure out how the characters got there.
I need to try that. Or, more accurately, what I told Hubby upon hearing Johnny's advise: "Plot backwards, write forwards." One of the other bits of advice Johnny had was to have the main plot points be "floating" and "pliable." That way you can shift them to where needed. For instance, in the example Johnny gave, the notes he had for the session included the Oxventurers being rescued from an attack, and the rescuing NPC would explain the McGuffin to them. That way the Oxventurers would know who the Big Bad is and how to stop the attacks from happening anymore. Instead, the Oxventurers sniffed out that there was something shady going on with a character and investigated him. Since he was no longer a surprise villain, Johnny had to rework the information. Luckily, it wasn't crucial that the NPC explained the McGuffin, and Johnny was able to rework the information so the characters instead stumbled upon the plot on their own. It made for much more compelling "show; don't tell" storytelling as well.
This is why I reword as "Plot backwards; write forwards" because you never really know where the characters are going to take the story, and instead of forcing them to fit the narrative of effects equals cause, it's better to know where you want to end and the main plot points you need to hit, and then shift them accordingly as the characters take the story and make it their own.
That's generally how I do write, but I think I need to give One and the Same another go with this method. I also need to reread Peeping Tomcat as well as what I have thus far for OatS. I've also mentally retooled the closing of OatS I have written thus far.
I can do this. I know I can. I won't let the crappiness of 35 or 2020 stop me! I'm gonna power through to make 36 amazing! I'll make it my big Come Back year.
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On that high note, I want to wish a happy 5th birthday to my nephew. Can't wait to see you later today! (Don't worry, my area is cleared for small family gatherings now)
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Editing my Bitmoji head onto my photos is such a pain. This is my aforementioned "artistic skill" of spending HOURS on GIMP editing photos.... Regardless, I don't like showing my actual face with my LycoRogue handle. So here we are....
The shirt was a fundraiser back in, like, April for the NHS. It was created by OutsideXbox and Outside Xtra, using the signature closing line OutsideXbox host Jane Douglas would use for her Two Point Hospital streams. It was so much fun wearing it to go grocery shopping and on a Walmart run yesterday.
So.... yeah... remember to wash your dang hands and wear a mask and keep a six-foot/two-meter distance.
Take care everyone, and I hope this week brings as many highs for you as I hope it brings for me.
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