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In other words, I "fail" way more than I "succeed" with NaNo, but I still like the motivation the month gives me, and how I can use it as an excuse to squirrel myself away to write. "Sorry, it's NaNo" is pretty much all I need to say to justify being anti-social this month. I've also discovered with trial and error that I just can't sustain a daily writing goal of 1667 words. Can I hit that goal daily? Oh, easily. However, giving myself time to write EVERY DAY so I can at least attempt that goal? Eeeeeeeh, not so easy, and I burn myself out fairly quickly. Case and point, this blog is roughly 5500 words long, but it also kept me about four hours to write. Then you have my attempt to write daily for Kyoru Week last month, and I've barely written since. With my current lifestyle, I just can't sustain daily writing of any sort of significance for a long period of time.
However, I have discovered that my optimal working schedule is 5 on; 2 off. Even if it those two days aren't the weekend, or even in a row, I work better when I know I have 2 "wiggle days" where I don't have to write if things get too busy for me, or if I need a break. Besides, I write quite a bit per writing session, as you could probably guess with this over-5000-words post, so 2272 words every day for only five days is much more manageable for me.
I even use the updated NaNo word-count calendar that David Seah puts out for free each year. Go, check it out. I love these calendars, and I really appreciate that he donates his time to create these every year.
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I've even joined a NaNo group on FB, and the people on there have been CRAZY busy with their projects! We even have at least one member who hit 50,000 words over this first weekend! Another who is attempting to write 50,000 words EACH DAY!
What about me, though? Four days in, morning of the fifth, and I had a rare Monday off so I haven't been at work since 4pm on Sunday. I must have really taken a chunk out of my story by now, right?
....
Right???
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I haven't even opened the project yet.
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Then nothing.
I just can't think of anything! I even CRIED as I tried to come up with ANYTHING. Granted, I HAVE been stressed lately, and I was hormonal because... well... being a woman is fun.
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I've had a couple of people tell me that perhaps I should just shelve OatS since it's been giving me such trouble. Maybe I should just let PT stay a solo project, and instead focus on turning Blame Fate for This into a novel-length story. I finally had a story where the world-build is (mostly) done, and the main characters are drawn up. Run with that; write my first publishable novel!
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I already feel so guilty for unofficially abandoning my "Hey, Arnold!" story What Is Truly Meant To Be, and for putting Jolene's story on pause as well. I had told my readers that I was writing this sequel to Peeping Tomcat, and they seem excited about it - others might even need OatS in order to feel the story truly is complete - and I just don't want to go back and say "Whoops, my bad. This story isn't actually ever coming." Especially since I have some really AWESOME chapters/scenes I'm really excited to share. I just need the rest of the novel to form so I can release my babies out into the world.
Right now this is the main breakdown. It's a bit more detailed that I originally thought, so a spoiler box would get too large if I put it all in there. Instead, I'll throw this up for everyone who wants to go in cold.
I have, as I mentioned, a few already fairly established scenes. They are either written to a satisfactory-enough level for me to focus on something else, or they are done minus the lead-in opening and/or figuring out how to conclude the scene. It's the "middle" bits that I'm stuck on.
- ESTABLISHED SCENE: Opens with an akuma attack; the first akuma I've ever designed! This scene sets up the Status Quo of the world.
- Me handwaving how Ladybug and Chat Noir defeat the akuma, because I just don't know, and then move to Adrien "recapping" PT to re-establish the new Status Quo, and Adrien sorts out what he has to do: set his goal for the story, basically.
- A jumbled mess of a chapter where Adrien acts way too much like his Chat Noir persona around Marinette, and freaks her out to the point that she doesn't even register that Adrien told her that Gabriel liked her portfolio and wants to have a meeting in a couple of weeks.
- ESTABLISHED SCENE: A chapter I'm excited for where Chat Noir - realizing he can't just act like "himself" around Marinette - thinks All Is Lost already, until he sees her late-night drawing at a Parisian landmark. He cheers her up, and escorts her home, where she offers for him to use her balcony as a safe haven for whenever he's feeling overwhelmed or lonely or whatever. This is his in, and the start of the MariChat friendship he needs.
- I want another akuma attack here to really shake things up between the duo and show the status quo has shifted slightly, but I don't know what I want to do here. I have no akuma planned, no way to take down said akuma, or any real vision of how the battle should go; how the "status quo" between them shifted.
- I want some "MariChat goodness" but have no clue what that "goodness" is; just showcasing them building up that friendship, while also pushing the overall story forward. There should probably also be an akuma in there somewhere since Hawk Moth won't go too long without sending one out.
- ESTABLISHED SCENE: A scene I love where Marinette is nervous about finally going to her meet-up with Gabriel in order to talk about her designs. She wishes she still had the lucky bracelet she gave to Adrien, and longingly draws a sketch of it. Chat Noir, while visiting, sees the drawing, and Marinette proceeds to tell him about the origins of the trinket. Chat Noir is overwhelmed by her kindness, and lets her know how great she is. This is the first time Chat Noir ever gushed about how "amazing" Marinette is; up until that point he's only shown such affection towards Ladybug. It's the start of Marinette having romantic feelings back towards him; too subtle for her to pick up on it.
- The dynamic between Adrien and Marinette shifts slightly: he sees her kindness in a new light, and she's not as flustered around him because she's distracted by Chat Noir's words the night before. I have no clue how this scene actually goes down, though.
- Marinette finally has her meet-up with Gabriel, he offers to take her under his wing, and she sticks around a touch to hang out with Adrien, showcasing how much more comfortable around him she's getting (but not TOO much).
- ESTABLISHED SCENE: One of my favorite scenes where Chat Noir discovers Marinette's "dirty little secret." She makes him treats to thank him for calming her down enough to no longer panic (as much) over her meet-up with Gabriel. She even managed to keep her cool (mostly) around Adrien, thanks to Chat Noir. Problem with her making the treats is that Chat Noir surprises her when he arrives, and she accidentally coats him with them. Not thinking, she brings him inside her room - for the first time - in order to clean up at her sink. He sees the multitude of Adrien photos she has everywhere. Seeing them, and adding in the info he just discovered about the bracelet, he FINALLY figures out that she has a crush on Adrien. With some hemming and hawing, she confesses that she does love him, but is completely incapable of telling him. Chat Noir, being so elated by this info that he forgot his initial plan of wooing her as his superhero self first, pushes for her to confess to Adrien. When she talks about why she can't, he tells her to picture Adrien as Chat Noir to at least help her open up to him a bit more: "maybe he'll be the one to ask you out instead." Realizing he may have said too much, Chat Noir leaves, but tells Marinette he'll be back the next night to see how that trick worked.
- The next scene is a bit incomplete and awkward, but I try to have Marinette try the "picture him as Chat Noir" trick the next day at school. Not only does it work - she can talk to him (mostly) fine - but it makes her really think about the awesome qualities both Adrien and Chat Noir share; showcasing how she's falling for Chat Noir more.
- ESTABLISHED SCENE: While thinking of Chat Noir's good qualities, and how much she cares about him, Marinette also thinks about the amount of times he shields her from things; potentially sacrificing himself for her. This freaks her out, and she talks to him about it that night; kind of hijacking Chat Noir's probe into how her discussions with Adrien went. During the conversation, Chat Noir pours out his heart about how in love with Ladybug he is, and how he'd do anything he can to keep her safe. Marinette reminds him that he may be keeping her PHYSICALLY safe, but what is he doing to her mental health by being so "reckless"? He promises to try to stay safer, for "both their sakes," but admits that he'll never stop being Ladybug's shield because it would break him too much if anything happened to her. Chat Noir again leaves, and Marinette is officially torn between Chat Noir and Adrien. Realizing how much CN loves her, and knowing that she's starting to feel just as strong about him, tugs against the feelings she's had for Adrien, especially since they're FINALLY making some ground with their own relationship.
- I can't quite figure out which POV I want to use here.
- Option 1: Combine this scene with the previous one of Marinette talking with Adrien; keeping both fairly short. This way I can showcase Marinette's growing affection towards Chat Noir, and her reaction to finding out he's truly and fully in love with her superhero side.
- Option 2: Have more build-up with the Adrien scene so it's capable of being its own chapter, and then focus on Chat Noir's POV for this scene. That way I can showcase both his surprise that he's putting so much undue stress on Ladybug/Marinette, and also his reasoning behind not easing up on his protection for her.
- Akuma attack where, despite his best efforts to keep his promise to Marinette, Chat Noir gets pretty beaten up in the battle in order to buy Ladybug enough time to stay out of range and figure out how to defeat the villain. She can't concentrate though, because she's distracted by Chat Noir getting hurt; now knowing the true reason behind him putting himself in danger so frequently. She runs to him to check that he's okay, and to try to rescue him from further harm, nearly causing her to get hurt. They briefly flee so they can talk, and he basically tells her "I'll be fine, especially after you use your Miraculous Ladybugs, so you need to keep your head in the game." She re-centers herself, and they re-attack the akumatized villain; saving the day.... somehow.
- I have no akuma planned, let alone a plan to take said akuma down.
- The next scene would go one of two ways depending on whose POV I'd be up to when I get to it.
- Adrien's POV: He realizes that he may have actually hit his goal of Marinette falling in love with his superhero self. He also realizes how dangerous it is for their dynamic to have shifted so much; he might have put her in danger with his selfish desire to have her fall in love with him. He's not sure what to do next to help LB get her head back on straight, and Plagg - so helpfully - suggests that "if she's going to be super protective anyway; now seems a good time to let her know who you are." Plagg's reasoning: either they can FINALLY start dating, since she's going to be protective anyway, or confessing everything will piss her off enough to not care, and she can go back to focusing on the akumas.
- Marinette's POV: She is freaking out over how she handled the last akuma attack, and Tikki walks a tightrope between trying to calm Marinette down while also agreeing that she needs to stay focused on the akumas over Chat Noir. Marinette also laments that NOW is when Adrien is finally showing her affection. Her desire to be with Adrien is within her reach, but NOW is when she's not sure she wants it anymore. She realizes that there is no future with Chat Noir: for one, it's distracting her, and for another they can't know who they are, so how can they have a relationship? At the same time, how can she have a relationship with Adrien if half her heart is with Chat Noir, how is that fair to Adrien? How can she go back to only thinking of CN as a dear friend?
- Maybe I split both scenes up into their own chapters?
- For reasons I haven't figured out yet, Adrien decides to "test" Marinette to see if she truly does want a relationship with Chat Noir. The day after the akuma attack, Adrien officially asks Marinette out on a date. She's still so torn and unsure of what to do that she doesn't answer him. Alya, assuming Marinette's just in shock, answers yes for her, and sets up a meet-up at the park at 7pm. Adrien agrees, and walks off. Alya demands she helps Marinette get ready for the date, but Marinette waves her off, saying she needs time to process everything, and runs home. There, she freaks out again (?) and transforms into Ladybug to run way and clear her head.
- As opposed to Marinette freaking out again, perhaps have the above POV freak out here???? I'm still sorting this kind of stuff out.
- ESTABLISHED SCENE: Chat Noir finds Ladybug at the Eiffel Tower. He had intended to go to her balcony as Chat Noir and confess his love to Marinette; asking her out as his superhero self to see which she prefers. When he gets to her balcony, he spots Ladybug running across the roof of their school, and follows her. That's how he found her at The Tower, and claims he was "on patrol" and saw her running across the rooftops; he followed in case there was an akuma attack he didn't know about. As they talk on the tower, she admits that she has a date lined up with a guy she's loved "for forever" but now she's torn because of her new feelings for Chat Noir. He asks for them to be together; to know each other's identities finally so they could date. She again refuses, and begs him to stop asking since they can never know. He asks why, refusing to accept the reason "for safety", accidentally confessing that "for safety" is a moot point since he already knows who she is. He then confesses to his spying on Marinette in PT, and she freaks out. She runs away from him without a word.
- ESTABLISHED SCENE: This is probably my favorite scene/chapter, but I do need to add more to the front of it, and have Tom gush more about his daughter's first date. Anyway, Marinette gets ready for her date with Adrien, the entire time thinking about how betrayed she feels about Chat Noir spying on her and finding out who she is. While her parents and Alya fuss over Marinette, excited for the upcoming date, Marinette is sort of numb to the idea. Alya thinks it's Marinette overthinking things, and tells her to just have fun. She shoos Marinette across the street to the park for her date. Now alone at the carousel, Tikki asks Marinette if she wants to postpone the date. Marinette yells that she's loved Adrien for too long to let Chat Noir ruin this date for her. She then huffs more about how long CN has known her secret, how their whole relationship has been a sham, and how he probably planned the whole thing when he found her at the landmark; the night she offered him her balcony. That's when she realized that he didn't know about her love for Adrien at the time, and that he was pushing Marinette towards Adrien, all while still confessing his undying love for Ladybug. While that made sense when she thought he thought she was two different people, it now makes no sense that Chat Noir would want Ladybug to love him, while he was also rooting for Marinette to end up with Adrien. She then remembers Chat Noir's advice to picture Adrien as CN, and realizes that it DOES make sense, if Adrien were Chat Noir.
- ESTABLISHED SCENE: Now fully freaked out and pissed, Marinette storms up to Adrien, who arrives to the carousel a couple minutes later, and demands to meet Plagg. Adrien, tells her to keep her voice down, and they agree to move their date to his house so they have privacy to talk within his room. They pretend they are going to watch a movie, and once Adrien is certain Nathalie and his bodyguard aren't listening, they start to have a heart-to-heart about the whole situation he put them in.
- LESS- ESTABLISHED PORTION OF CLIMACTIC SCENE: As of right now, I have this conclusion bouncing between POVs, and it's three chapters long! I need to reorganize, and shorten, and the whole nine. They just have so much to discuss, that I don't know where to cut because I don't want this argument to resolve TOO quickly.
- Plagg and Tikki have to have their own argument about whether or not it's a good thing that Adrien and Marinette now know.
- Marinette has to dump onto Adrien how betrayed and manipulated she feels, and Adrien has to agree that he has been a jerk, but wasn't sure what other options he had given the circumstances.
- Marinette then wonders if Adrien ever truly loved her, or if he now loved Marinette because he knew she's Ladybug. He lets her know that he was falling for Marinette before he knew, and that it's only natural that he loves Marinette if he loves Ladybug, because the parts of Ladybug he loves are all parts that Marinette also showcases. She doesn't truly change between the two personas, aside from having a confidence boost, but he does find her shy and clumsy civilian side endearing.
- He then tries to confirm that she does love his goofy, laid-back Chat Noir side, and not just the "perfect" Adrien she interacts with in school every day.
- Marinette points out that she's still pissed off at him - especially the Chat Noir side - and so now probably wasn't the best time to ask those questions, but, she admits that she does love all of him. That the goofy side looks good on him - as long as it's when Paris isn't in danger - and that he should feel more comfortable acting that way as Adrien.
- Their grievances aired out, promises to adhere to basic privacy made, and plans to keep their identities hidden from Hawk Moth ironed out, the two agree to date. They have their Happily Ever After with their first official Adrienette kiss.
OKAY! SPOILERS OVER NOW! YOU CAN START READING AGAIN IF YOU SKIPPED THE LAST PART!
Phew, that was a lot more than I thought I had figured out when I started writing. I love being able to sort things out via this blog. I don't know why, but doing exactly what I did in that Spoiler section above - but not on this blog - didn't result in as much of an outline as I just wrote up. Something about the framing of this blog, and the idea of talking about this story with people, really helps.So, even if you breezed past that Spoiler section, thank you. Knowing I'm "talking" to someone about my story really does help unknot things for me. I just wish I had more people I could physically talk to about this story.
Hubby tries, but with my longer fanfiction he tends to shrug when it comes to advice. And for whatever reason, I feel like there's MORE that I need to explain with my fanfiction than I do with original works??? So I talk to him about that less frequently. I honestly don't get it, especially when I JUST sorted out that HE is my Muse more often than not. I guess I feel like I'm overburdening him? That his eyes glaze over? I could 100% be wrong about that, but it's how I feel for whatever reason.
My other friends that I would normally talk story with I kinda can't. Either they don't know the show, and therefore can't really help to come up with a plan of attack, or they do know the show, but are also readers of mine and would prefer no spoilers.
Then again, I sorted things out a touch simply by "talking" to you fine folks, and you aren't even responding to me. So maybe just talking it out with the friends who don't know the show COULD help? They, much like Hubby, might shrug with no suggestions of their own, but perhaps just airing out my story will help me unknot it?
Either way, my point is that right now I have this large thread of ideas and possibilities, with scenes I LOVE laced throughout. I don't want to give up those scenes, but I also don't want to wave the white flag and go "Here's a chapter from my abandoned story; here's the set up:" It's probably not for the best, though, to keep stressing myself out so much with this story....
GAAAAAAAH! WHY IS WRITING SO HARD!!!!????
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That's not going to work, however, if I don't know WHAT I'm writing. Which is the main reason why I haven't done any yet this month.
I did try to at least spark some inspiration for the "generic MariChat goodness" bits in the middle. I did so using an old rule of thumb for writers: if you're stuck, read someone else's work. It relaxes your mind so it can quietly work in the background. It inspires you with scenes and/or storylines that you loved. Alternatively, it can inspire with scenes/storylines you HATED and want to change. While by no means did I hate anything Ronoxym wrote, I did feel like the characterization of Willow and Trish weren't quite right, and that had inspired me to write my own versions of his "Devon confesses to Willow" and "Arson and Lighter are dating" stories. I hoped the same thing would come about while reading MariChat fanfiction. Maybe I found a story I enjoyed, and wanted to re-interpret for OatS, or maybe I'll come across a good concept that I didn't like the execution of, and I could re-work it for OatS, or I could see storylines I wasn't a fan of, and after deciphering WHY I didn't like them, I could at least weed those thoughts out of the potential options. Thinning the field for my own MariChat story options.
While I didn't succeed in my goal of "maybe these stories will inspire some of my own," I DID manage to find a new writer that I'm greatly enjoying. They go by swishandflickwit on AO3, Twitter, and Tumblr. Most of their works seem to be based on the show "Lucifer" but I'm actually excited about that since I enjoy that fandom as well. Swish does have six ML stories, though, and I only have their two "big" stories left to read: one is 10,000+ words long and the other is 26,000+ words. The other four that I have had the time to read are quite lovely. They're simple, but the wording is so beautiful.
Here's a sample of some of my favorite lines from the various stories:
Like I said, I still have to read the two longer works, and move on to the 33 "Lucifer" stories, but I'm loving this author's writing voice, and strongly suggest them to others. Fair warning for Sweet Conversation, however. It does discuss death, bereavement, and survivor's guilt slightly.- Her sigh is a breeze flirting across his lips, the kind of cool air he had been searching for earlier that night.
(from Anywhere You Go (Let Me Go Too))
- Her hands on his face, he held her stare—because it took all of his carefully constructed restraint to hold himself up instead of collapsing in relief, because he had forgotten how to breathe and she was teaching him how, because he was drowning and her eyes were the surface.
(from Anywhere You Go (Let Me Go Too))
- With that same artist's hand, she outlined him, from the side of his face to his neck, digits charting filigree across his collarbones till she settled on the space above where his heart lay, and every point in which she touched him felt engraved into his very soul.
(from The Season of Giving)
- She wasn't sure she wanted to open that door either. She didn't think she could lie to him, not when she knew the shape of his grief and the color of his despair. It thrummed in her own veins till her very blood felt inky with sorrow and her lungs weighted with bereavement. Though it was unbeknownst to him, they were one and the same—a perfect match of melancholy.
(from Sweet Conversation)
- Now he was here but she was in the wrong form, the same person but with the mismatched set of shoulders to carry a hero's burden.
(from Sweet Conversation)
- There was an awkward beat of silence, the kind that came when a barrage of unexpected emotions were bared and the involved parties were unsure how to act or proceed.
(from Sweet Conversation)
- “Wanted,” he whispered as if he never heard the word, especially in relation to him.
(from Sweet Conversation)
- In the wake of her silence, Chat coughed, as if it could dispel the vulnerability he felt from his bones at having just admitted that.
(from Home for Me is Where You Are)
- He placed his hand on her waist and he had never scorned the protective covering of his leathers before today because his palm grazed the sliver of skin there. What was it about the night? He felt naked but not exposed, raw but not spent.
(from Home for Me is Where You Are)
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When that didn't help my writer's block, however, I tried inspiring myself by creating the cover for OatS! I had a couple of ideas as to what I wanted. One was a rose in a vase, with The Bracelet either dangling off the vase, or lining the bottom of it. Option two would be more like this book cover I found in a simple Google Search.
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| Generic book cover sample from BookCover4U |
It would be a close-up of Marinette's eyes, and Chat Noir mirroring Adrien somehow. I think I like this one best, but after spending most of Sunday afternoon casually watching ML episodes while also watching the football games - football on my TV, and ML on my laptop - I have yet to find either of two scenarios that I'm looking for in order to make this cover.
Scenario 1: Adrien and Chat Noir having identical close-up angles so I can blend them together so one half of his face is Adrien and the other is Chat Noir.
Scenario 2: Adrien and Chat Noir posing similarly enough to have them mirror each other. Alternatively, both of them sitting, similar to that book cover above, so they can sit back-to-back. No dice.
I do have a ton of new reference pics, but nothing I can edit together for a cover idea I want. Maybe in December I'll attempt to use those reference pics as a basis for me to hand draw some fanart? See how that goes???
If there are any designers out there, and you have a concept you think I should try for my fanfic cover, please feel free to let me know in the comments. Maybe coming up with the cover WILL inspire me to write.
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Oh, and a final side note, it's probably pretty event by now, but I didn't manage to get a Halloween fanfic story done after all. Halloween actually went by in such a flash I didn't even take the time to hop on Tumblr and promote my other Halloween-y stories I've written in the past. Opportunity lost.... But, hey, I have the opening of a Halloween-themed fanfic I could finish NEXT year, and perhaps I'll have time to absorb new content to the point where the story flows better than I have it right now.
Who knows how much my writing will improve in the next year?
My first step, though, should probably be to stop avoiding working on OatS. We'll see what magic comes about during those writing sprints tonight.
Wish me luck... and that I don't become TOO addicted to coffee this month....
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