Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Fear of Commitment

Last week was kind of chaotic. One of my co-workers went on vacation, so I ended up working nine days straight. I also realized, as I mentioned last week, that the chapter for Friday needed an almost complete rewrite. Actually, all of the closing chapters do. There's a lot more depth and complexity that needed to be added into this conclusion. Part of me likes it, because it adds more to the story overall. Another part of me wishes it just remained a simple “Do I like Marinette for who she is, or just because she's Ladybug?”

The chapters would be all set if it stayed that simple.

I still have to find a way to work in Adrien's feeling of inadequecy as both a friend and as a superhero. I think I've sort of worked out the “Marinette deserves to know” bits, but I probably need to lay more foundation. I have the added layer now of Plagg and Tikki's relationship. AND I have the “Why do I like Marinette” question to solve.

In three more chapters.

THREE MORE!

Guys, that means July 6th should be my last update of “Peeping Tomcat”! That will be it! I will have finally completed one of my multi-chapter stories; excluding the two-part “I Caught You A Star.”

This is so big for me. I've written a couple of stories that have gone on for multiple chapters. One of my first fanfics, “What Is Truly Meant To Be,” has multiple chapters. I posted the first couple chapters of “Please, Let Me Explain” in an attempt to push the project forward. I shared some of my failed NaNo attempts. I tried to convert X-Future into the multi-chapter story “X-Future: The Second Generation Begins.”

Each project, while I still have vague illusions of completing them, have been otherwise abandoned. PT though? I actually completed the first draft for it. I'm most of my way through my manuscript. I just have 3 weeks to go, and all the encouragement to complete it.

I'M GOING TO DO IT! I'm going to actually complete a multi-chapter project! Are you excited? Because I'm about to burst over here. I don't even know what will be going on that first week of July. It's going to be nuts!
Hacker Girl Facebook sticker
by Birdman, Inc
I'm going to have to work on edits for MY LAST CHAPTER that first week. I'll also have to start working on my Camp NaNo project of writing the first draft of “One and the Same.” AND there's Independence Day on the 4th, so I'll probably be doing some sort of hang-out. Then on July 6th there will be the bitter-sweetness of completing my first novel.

It will be weird to not have anything new to post – presumably – on July 13th. I might have to do another Cat Noir-centric one-shot for Friday the Thirteenth.

I dunno. I'm thinking way ahead of the game. I need to focus on the task at hand: editing THIS WEEK'S update. Go from there.

In the meantime, don't forget to read this past Friday's update for “Peeping Tomcat.”
FanFiction         ArchiveOfOurOwn         DeviantArt

I was still kind of nervous about the chapter. I had so many loose ends to start tying up, and while I knew that, it didn't quite register until I saw the reviewers commenting about them. I had to make sure those loose ends were in neat little bows by the end of this thing, or I fear my readers will feel cheated.

I also wasn't sure if I should have kept in Plagg's kitchen destruction. It felt like it derailed the chapter, but at the same time, I felt it showed a lot of character. There was a great deal of back and forth before I decided to keep it in, but even when I pushed “submit” on the websites I was nervous that I didn't make the right move. As I discussed with Jowy's Pixie this past week, there are so many directions this story could still go, and I'm trying my hardest to find the most satisfying path.

It's mildly terrifying. Especially with how much love I've been getting thus far. The last thing I'd want to do is disappoint my readers. I don't want to be one of those authors who had a fantastic first two acts, but trip during the third act; ruining the experience of the whole thing.

Kind of like one of Hubby's friends from high school. He was OBSESSED with the Matrix movies, but was so disappointed in the third installment he didn't even want to watch the first two anymore. When I was in middle school I was one of the few kids I knew who actually HATED the Goosebumps stories by R.L. Stein. For me, most of them seemed to have that World Reset button at the end. That “it was all just a dream” mentality where nothing that happens in the book ever has lasting significance. Everything goes back to the status quo. I felt so cheated after reading about five of those books and having them end like that.

Oddly enough, maybe because they were geared towards a more mature audience that could handle a more permanent world change, R.L. Stein's Fear Street series was my go-to. Much more Junior Stephen King feel.

While I know I'm not going to have that “World Reset”/Status Quo Remains Unchanged ending, I still don't want that kind of disappoint from my readers. I want them satisfied with how I conclude everything.

Maybe that's why I have never completed a story before. It's easy for me to come up with the inciting incident as my spark of inspiration, and from there I can throw tons of curveballs at a character to add drama. But cleaning up the mess? And trusting that I did it well enough to satisfy my readers? Meeeh?
Hacker Girl Facebook Sticker
by Birdman, Inc
Maybe that's why I'm such trash at writing sex scenes. Same deal: I can write the inciting incident – where the characters connect physically – and I can write all the build-up and foreplay. Writing the “conclusion” however? Meeeeh?

Goes hand-in-hand with my inability to write in my dozens of fancier notebooks. They remain blank on my bookshelf; waiting for that story that NEEDS to be put in that specific notebook. I never seem to find THAT story though. It's a fear of commitment. Of permanence. Once I start writing in that notebook, that's it. No going back. I can't change my mind without crossing things out, or tearing pages out, or having two different stories in the same notebook. If I screw it up, I would have ruined the notebook. So nothing is written in them.

Ending my stories? Going “this is it; all other possibilities are now closed” is just as nerve wrecking to me.

Ironically, while this fear of commitment crosses over into just about all of my creatives - drawings, world building, scrapbooking, crochet projects, painting minis, even coloring in coloring books instead of photocopied pages, etc - I have absolutely no fear of it when it comes to relationships.... So, yay? Hence having the husband....

Luckily, I have been getting excellent encouragement throughout this story, and it really helps me stick to my guns on how I did conclude it, and how I want to tweak it for the official publication.
FFN: 780 views, 2 faves, 1 follower, and 4* reviews
AO3: 188 views, 4 kudos, 1 bookmark, and 3 reviews
DA: 14 views, 1 fave, but still not a single comment

Total Results: 982 views, 7 faves, 2 followers, and 7* reviews

(*There are 5 reviews listed on FFN, but one is actually a two-part by a guest reviewer who hit "submit" too soon)

Tumblr Notes: 5 likes

FFN reviews:
  1. Good read on Plagg's attitude towards reveals there. While Plagg did give the 'don't tell anyone' speech, he did seem almost encouraging of Chat sneaking a peek of detransforming Ladybug. So it does seem that he makes an exception for other Miraculous wielders - that, or he's sick of the love square and at least part of him wants a reveal so it's over and done with.
 (Bits about the Plagg/Tikki relationship cut for space.)
  2. Awwww plagg!!!!
  3. Plagg seemed to help a little, but Adrien does seem stubborn about himself. I wonder if Mari is going to confess being a stalker as well. Will hearing Chat Noir confess about how guilty he feels guilt her into feeling guilty about stalking Adrien, and that will help calm him down? Adrien feels he's the only creeper in the relationship, and maybe finding out Mari does it too will help. Or maybe Mari's romantic logic will kick in, and she'll feel flattered her crush fell for her twice...Mari can be unpredictable. (Abridged Version)
  4. "Why would she keep on a peeping tomcat as a partner?" whoo title drop :D
  5. I absolutely love the idea of Plagg and Tikki being siblings! And I feel so bad for Adrien's predicament. I can feel the anxiety that boy seems to radiate. I love it!
(another of my periodic repeat reviewers: comics-give-me-life)
  6. Looking forward to the next chapter. Though I honestly think a part of Marinette has known about Chat Noir spying on her for a while... (Bits about the Plagg/Tikki relationship cut for space.)
  7. Long guest review (the one that was accidentally split in 2) listed below.
Look at that 24hr turn out! I'm now getting close to 1000 views within the first 24hrs after posting! It's going to be a shame that I'll have to disappear for a couple of months to write my next story, and possibly start from scratch, reader wise, once I do. I'd much rather ride the coattails of this story and have that high view count from the get-go, but I'll have to have faith that I'll get there again. That I'm now more well known in the fandom, and at least a large portion of them will come back once I post OatS.

Also, I'm not sure how to feel about the reviews. This is probably one of the largest 24hr responses I've received. The trick here, though, is that at the end of the chapter, in my Author's Notes, I asked my readers what they thought about my interpretation of Plagg and Tikki's relationship. Most of the “reviews” were readers answering my question. All of them agreed with how I set the kwamis' relationship up, so... yay.

As for that two-part review on FFN?
GUEST: I find it odd that a romantic relationship between the two kwami is assumed when it is always bought up that the wielders of those two miraculous aren't always lovers whenever this lore is used.
        It's the having it both ways situation. Like how Adrien loves Ladybug. He knows he loves her meaning he knows what those feelings are, can identity them, yet is constantly written not realizing he feels that way for Marinette. And while he technically does feel that way about her, it's only because he doesn't know she is Ladybug that he doesn't know he has feelings for her, not because he was homeschooled. No, really, **** off with that presumption about those who were homeschooled, guys. I'm offended for them with the characterization often given from these fics. To him, they are two different people so think of it as Marinette isn't Ladybug, and you will see how ridiculous it is. If he knows he loves one girl, that he knows if he has feelings for another girl as well. Making it otherwise is trying to have it both ways. Schrödinger's self awareness.
        For me, I don't think of it as the miraculous influencing any romantic feelings. I see it more as the two of them being chosen based on compatibility, and not compatibility being influenced by the miraculous. I doubt that in all of Paris, that only two children offered an old man help. I would say aura came into play and that they were the best fit that Master Fu found.
        Now, back to Schrödinger's awareness. I am aware you have Adrien "not aware of feelings" for Marinette to an extent, but from what I got in your story, they really only developed over that week he was watching her, and realized them almost immediately, so you're good. [sic]
I'll be honest. I wasn't really sure how to respond to this review, so I was a bit glad that it was a guest poster, which means I literally could not respond to it. I think I get what the poster was trying to say, in which I will like to give this rebuttal:

It is possible that his feelings for Marinette aren't the same as they are for Ladybug. Love does feel different depending on how deep into it you are and/or what you are in love with. Prior to my husband, I had three boyfriends, four crushes, three flirt-buddies, and went on a few dates with one guy. My feelings for each of these men were different. If I was with my husband at the same time as any of the above, the feelings I have/had for him would feel similar in some aspects, but also vastly different in others. If I knew I was in love with Hubby, and felt something intense but still "less" for one of those crushes, I might not have realized it was "love" as well. I might have read it the way Adrien does in the show - and therefore in most fanfics - as an intense friendship.

Heck, Hubby even informed me, when we first started dating, that I didn't realize that I was flirting with guys and/or they were flirting back with me. I come from a very physical family, so I hug everyone. I give cheek kisses to everyone. I hold everyone's hand. I play with everyone's hair. I lean in close. I snuggle next to people when we're in confined spaces. I give massages, scratch backs, keep steady eye contact while conversing, and steal food or sips of drinks.

Basically, I had to learn about personal bubbles once I became an adult....

So, in truth, for guys I had crushes on - including my now-husband - it kept me a while to realize I wasn't just being my normal intrusive extroverted self. I was flirting. And there were times where I only stopped to evaluate and realize my crush once someone pointed it out:
 - "Were you flirting with him?"
 - "Pffft. No. We're just really... good... fri- WOAH!"

I mean, that's how I figured out I liked my first boyfriend... when I was also about 14....

My point being, that I TOTALLY understand Adrien's stupid, infuriating denseness when it comes to his own crush. How he feels about Marinette is probably worlds different to how he feels about Ladybug. If he knows that intense feeling is "love" then he might think the more subtle crush isn't love; just intense friendship.

But anyway, that reviewer - who may or may not have been critiquing me? - aside, I also got much more love throughout the week.
FFN: 1157 views, 4 faves, 5 followers, and 7* reviews!
AO3: 299 views, 6 kudos, 1 bookmark, and 3 reviews
DA: 18 views, 2 faves, but still not a single comment

Total Results: 1474 views, 12 faves, 6 followers, and 10* reviews

(*There are 5 reviews listed on FFN, but one is actually a two-part by a guest reviewer who hit "submit" too soon; see above)

Tumblr Notes: 11 total; 9 likes and 2 reblogs

FFN reviews:
  1. I really liked this chapter. Also I can't believe its already been 12 chapters.
(Cassy1994's review)
  2. I just want to point out that fashion design is kind of like game design. If you’re a novice you wouldn’t just show someone your designs right off unless you’re being serious about this and could be up for an interview. Any artist would have 3 types of portfolios and maybe a website with her designs water marked so no one could steal them. I’m only aware of this because my husband is a game designer.
(review for chapter 7?)
  3. See below for another Jowy's Pixie review
One of the Tumblr reblogs was Skyeribbon again, but the second reblog was someone who had found the announcement via Skye's blog. So, thank you, Skyeribbon for the share to help promote my story! It worked! This is the first time my promotion was reblogged from someone else's Tumblr. I'm super excited by this milestone!
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by Birdman, Inc
I still don't know what I magically did last week to get 52 notes in one week; less than. I'm pretty sure I had 52 notes by the time I updated this blog last week. While it's not nearly as exciting to be back to less than even 15 notes, having a reblog off of someone else's Tumblr is nice compensation.

This week is also the leader with the most reviews/comments in one week. Granted, that could be because of the question I posed at the end of my Author's Notes, but still....

There was also the first new Miraculous Ladybug episode in a month this weekend. That may have helped spike my view-count. Week 6 still holds the record though, with 1666 views between the three sites.

But speaking of the reviews, this was Jowy's this week:
Jowy's Pixie: Oh poor Adrien. The boy can't seem to catch a break from an onslaught of emotions. You really perfectly captured his inner turmoil in this chapter and it was such a pleasure to read. I can see this being a legitimate reaction Adrien might have in the actual show if he was to accidentally find out Ladybug's true identity. I'm so excited to see what Adrien is going to do next. Is he going to admit to Marinette that he knows? Is Marinette somehow going to find out? There's so many possibilities with this plot line you've created. That's what makes me love this story so much. Normally, I'm pretty good at figuring out where things are going to go, but with this story, there's so many possibilities that I can't decide. And that's good. I always end up spoiling stories for myself because I can guess where things are going so there's usually no exciting surprises for me. But with this story, I'm in the dark and I love it!
        Plagg's moments were hilarious to read in this chapter. You managed to capture his personality spot on which is awesome because Plagg is one of my favourite characters. I completely agree with your little analysis of the relationship between Tikki and Plagg. It makes total sense that you would make them have a more sibling like bond. That's usually what I imagine for them as well. Especially after seeing their interaction in Dark Owl. There didn't seem to be any romantic insinuations there. Though I do completely understand why people would ship them. Them being a couple would make sense, but obviously that's not the direction the show seems to be taking.
        This chapter was a pleasure to read, but then again, so are all your chapters. I always look forward to your updates to see what's going to happen to poor Adrien next. I must say, something I forgot to previously mention, it's nice to see a story from solely Adrien's point of view. That's quite rare from what I've seen. Usually it's either just Marinette or a mix of both. I like that you've decided to go with just Adrien though. It shakes things up a bit and makes things interesting. Congratulations on another well written chapter. I can't wait to find out what happens next. Good luck writing!
It is rare to find a story solely through Adrien's POV. Too many people are tempted to include Marinette's in some manner. But I just couldn't tell this story any other way, as I discussed last week. I just hope OatS will prove to be as refreshing to read with its dual POV between Adrien and Marinette.

First priority: Finish "Peeping Tomcat" and THEN worry about the POV in OatS.

Switching gears here, I managed to finish up “The Burning Maze” this week. Which leaves me with about half a month to get a head start on my next book.
I have to admit that with each book humbling Apollo a little more and more, I'm starting to actually like the guy. I guess that's the point, but it also shouldn't take three books to win sympathy for your protagonist and narrator. I mean, I like the Arrow of Dodona more than Apollo most of the time. Anyway, the book was intense, and I'm curious as to how much more it's going to get in the last two books. There's also a couple of "grab your tissues" moments that left me dumbfounded. So that's good. I still think I'm going to miss getting another Magnus Chase book in October when we get a second Trials of Apollo novel instead. That series was too good to only be three books long.

As for my 50,000+ word fanfic category? You can find "Won't Tell a Soul" on AO3. It's a Miraculous Ladybug fanfic focusing mostly on the supporting character Nino. The POV does jump to Adrien or Marinette on occasion, but it's mostly a Nino-centric story. It's pretty cool and had a lot of great moments. I just feel like it needed one more proofread to polish it up. Getting through grammar mistakes took some getting used to. It's not TERRIBLE, but it's enough to want that one last proofread.

Anyway, the story is intriguing and just keeps piling it on, which is great. I even used some of the story to help inspire me for Adrien's reactions to things in "Peeping Tomcat." It's great where inspiration comes from.

I'm now at seven out of twelve books read. However, aside from the next Trial of Apollo book coming out in October, the only planned book I have left to read is “Atlas Shrugged.” I don't know if I should attempt tackling that book again while also doing Camp NaNo, and all the social get-togethers I have planned in July. And I certainly won't be able to finish it in 11 days!

So I'm debating between three options. First is to just take a break from reading. Spend that time writing instead; reading my first draft and fixing it. Second option is to go through my at-home library or hit up the public library and snag a quick-read book. Something I can read in the next 11 days or so. Final option is finding another lengthy fanfic to read. Should be easy, my “to read” list is fairly lengthy on just AO3 alone. I mean, I have already been reading a bunch of short fics, one-shots, and lengthy projects one chapter update at a time, so maybe I could keep doing that?

I've started reading the following fics this year; a small chapter at a time while they slowly update:
  • 101 Things To Do With Your Son; a collaborative story edited and thought of by Anne Camp aka Obi-quiet; currently up to 23,750 words
  • Under Lock and Key; a collaborative between co-author/illustrator Eden Daphne and main fic author Maerynn, who sadly passed away in a car crash earlier this year; currently up to 23,646 words; Eden is editing Mae's last draft in order to make sure the story gets completed
  • When Duty and Desire Meet; a collaborative between MidnightStarlightWrites and co-author/illustrator Eden Daphne; currently up to 39,185 words
  • Mr. Lucky and the Cat by HariWrites; currently up to 38,126 words
  • And the Name for Your Order is? by Baneismydragon; currently up to 7894 words
Add in the assortment of 4000-words-or-fewer short fics and one-shots that I've also read, and I think I'm getting a healthy amount of reading in. Not in a more conventional sense, but it's still a lot more reading than the average American adult gets in.

OH! And speaking of reading fanfics, Cyhyr posted something recently. It's a bit racy and definitely contains mature content, but it's short at only about 4000 words.

Yes. For me 4000 words is short. Leave me alone.

It's in the Final Fantasy XV fandom, so I was a bit lost as to who the characters are and how they SHOULD act. It probably would have been more enjoyable if I did know that, but that's the pitfall of all fanfic: it's more entertaining for those who know the source material. Even so, it was an enjoyable read if you are alright with the mature scenarios she wrote about; namely, prostitution.

So, if you have about 15minutes, and want to give her stuff a try, please do:

Alright, this blog is a beast and I need to use my free time to work on my PT chapters. Until next week!

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